Unlawful Entry (1992) - Review & Commentary
#1
WARNING: SPOILERS. HAPPENING. BELOW. DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW.



https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unlawful_Entry_(film)

I gotta say y'all...

There are some good lookin' motherfuckers in this movie. I'm thinking I MIGHT like it. Kurt Russell, hot damn. Ray Liotta, also hot damn. I ALREADY wanna bang super hard. I gotchyer "UNLAWFUL ENTRY" right here!!! *gyrates*

I'm watching this free on Amazon with my CINEMAX 7 day trial that I intend to cancel right before I'm charged! Thanks Amazon! Unfortunately it does have a stupid 0:10 ad before the 20th Century Fox logo comes on, so just deduct ten seconds from the timestamps for accuracy. Best I can do!

Okay enough of the pleasantries, let's get into the movie.

0:30 uuuhhh, I dunno if this is gonna be appended to all future versions of this fucking movie or not, but that InterMedia logo with the giant wave was FUCKINGGGGGG terrifying?! Ooookay then, off to a good start... *sarcasm*

The "Largo Entertainment Presents" logo is at 0:40 so at worst timestamps could be off by forty seconds... that kinda shit really bothers me. But it is what it is, there's nothing I'm willing to do about it.

2:06 look how fucking grim and dismal this city looks. Gross!

2:36 everybody with their pools... God this kind of existence is so cookie-cutter. I'd rather live in a nice shed, by night, and spend my days in a screened in gazebo.

3:50 this lady is pretty hot, I can see the attraction.

4:16 oh shit, sooo... is Kurt Russell playing the pussy husband then?? Is Ray Liotta the cop?? Or the robber?? Cuz I can't see Ray Liotta as a cop. Who's the cop gonna be then?? God he better be hot. He fucking better be hot.

4:30 LMFAO she walks through the door with this MASSIVE fucking cat dude ROFLMFAOLOLOL. WHY WAS THAT SO FUNNY.

The wife (Madeleine Stowe) IS crazy fucking gorgeous for sure.

I'm not looking forward to Kurt Russell playing a pussy who's unable to defend his wife properly. That's what I read that he basically does in the synopsis. He's like unable to properly defend his wife or something.

Kurt Russell IS one of the hottest motherfuckers ever though, that's for absolute certain.

6:28 nothing better happen to the cat, I'm gonna state that explicitly right at this moment. I WILL forfeit this movie fucking HARD.

8:04 well, I see the situation he's in so it makes sense. It's a tough situation for sure.

8:30 so far I don't blame him, I mean really what's he supposed to do... it's a tough one.

9:18 is it over?? I mean at least she didn't get raped. That was like... a total non-event. 

I don't get why the movie summary paints it like Michael (Kurt Russell) was some kinda failure at defending his wife, it made it sound like cuckold p0rno or something. But actually it was nothing like that... it was just a 'happened fast' kinda situation where you panic and just gotta do whatever, and I think he reacted as well as he could have been expected to.

9:45 oooooOooooo... oh my damn, oh my damn, that's Ray Liotta, he's playing a cop. 

And I'm fucking LOVINGGGGGG it so far.

Oh God dang... this might be GOOOOOOOOOOD.

Whew, he's definitely hotter than fuck, that's for SURE.

9:55 I mean, oh my God. Fuck. Like. Yeah, Kurt Russell is hotter than hot... but. Damn. Ray Liotta lookin' fine as hell in a cop UNIFORM? Umm. How exactly is anybody supposed to not choose that??

9:58 I meaaan... Ray Liotta is kind of adorable somehow. I mean he really is... which, honestly, I've never noticed that before and I'm not sure how to feel about it now.

10:20 I meeeean... he looks really nice. And friendly. And... cute. Hmmm.

10:25 somehow the lady is less attractive to me now. Shrug. Not really sure how to feel about all this.

10:48 oh SHIT. He better not kill the fucking cat. I'm serious... if this fucking cat gets killed by somebody, I will forfeit this fucking movie.

10:55 he's kinda freakin' me out at this point. But not in a hot way, just in a kind of overly nice way. I hope he turns legitimately creepy at some point... at least.

11:04 I mean he is FINE as hell though. That just can't be denied... and it DOES make up for this other shit.

11:55 "DON'T get a gun"... uuuuhhhh, excuse me what??

12:05 LMFAOOO gotta be Commiefornia.

12:23 well? What? What IS he thinking?? I don't think even we can tell what the fuck he's thinking? I mean yeah he was sorta smitten with the pretty wife, but... I'm not catching any residual vibes off him.

13:04 I can't blame her but... I dunno. 

13:40 he is a fabulous husband though... I mean, between the super hot Ray Liotta stalker cop, as sexy as that is, I think I would just keep my husband. I'd let the cop fuck me though.

14:24 those are the most dated douchey sunglasses I've ever seen.

18:50 he's absolutely fucking gorgeous... it ain't even right.

There hasn't been this much hotness packed into one screen since I watched that time travel romance movie with Superman and Jane Seymour.

19:00 at this point it's not really logical (based on what we've seen) to assume this cop guy is gonna be any trouble. I really am wondering how the hell this is actually going to escalate.

19:34 God I'd like to get slammed so fucking hard by Ray Liotta.

21:07 looks like he's wearing a fuckton of makeup though. But I think largely he just naturally looks that way.

21:28 I think the husband dude's anger is sorta... not believable. Maybe I'm wrong about this but... I dunno.

21:50 a ride-along, hmmm! Is that a real thing??? Sounds like a great way to get laid by a cop!? Hmmm... here's a thread about ride-alongs: https://forum.officer.com/forum/public-f...ide-alongs Appears to be on a cop discussion forum... HOLY SHIT! I never even considered the MERE EXISTENCE of cop discussion forums before?! My God, this could be the answer to all my, erh, problems... *bananasex2*

22:31 God, that fucking uniform. Yes, just... keep the uniform on.

23:19 "certain types of women just have a thing for cops"... you mean the female type?

24:30 what the FUCK is that?

26:31 LMAO OMG. These dumbass bitches and their horrible taste in men, their poor kids having to see them get abused!

28:04 oh shit, it's about to get real.

28:20 yeah I mean, come on, he didn't even rape her so what's the problem? Not like he's the devil incarnate or something!

Movie's taking a really interesting turn at this point because now husband dude is starting to see shit in a different light.

28:40 ah shit, husband guy's about to be freaked the fuck out man. He totally already is.

28:55 oh my God dude yikes... how are they gonna account for cop dude's behavior though?? He's acting like he just did a bunch of drugs or something.

29:00 if he WANTED IT he would've TOOK IT!!!

29:15 LOL I might resist you for fun!

29:53 here's the thing TBH... I feel like this isn't very convincing or believable. Like... there's just something about it that doesn't 100% sell you on it. I dunno exactly what it is. It's definitely Ray Liotta's fault though.

30:00 LOL.

Facepalm.

30:10 uh oh. Somebody's crazy!
 
I gotta say...

I wish cop dude's craziness could have been revealed some other way. Like a simple scene of him wanking in the bushes outside their house or something.

32:03 it's fucked up how his wife is trying to argue this with him when the poor dude is clearly disturbed as hell by what went down. Maybe time for a new wife?

32:18 wow, his wife turned into a fucking cunt... what a stupid bitch.

32:40 whoever made this movie must not know shit about cats, cats don't just lay around asleep purring. They only purr when they're awake and they've recently been inspired or stimulated to purr. Unless the cat JUST jumped up there and laid down and/or had engagement with somebody, it wouldn't be fucking purring.

33:30 yeeeeeah, I'd still let him fuck me!

34:40 those are some huge pockets.

37:02 I can't believe he showed up here, too far. Now it's just getting weird.

37:19 ooo, reeeeally dated joke there. Yeeeeeesh.

40:37 so here his dumb bitch wife is walking up on the convo and we're gonna see which side she chooses. Let me guess, she sides with the cop. If she does, I'd dump her right on the fucking spot and get a newer model.

40:58 yeah, BITCH. Do what your husband says.

43:57 kthxbai.

45:40 LOL.

53:47 I seriously can't stand this bitch.

56:00 he looks hot swinging that gun around.

56:10 wow, I fucking despise his stupid bitch wife, what a fucking cunt. I'd be letting psycho cop dude have her, she deserves it.

57:40 WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!? IS HE LEGIT THERE!?!?!?!?!?!

58:15 damn yo. Wow.

58:40 and let me guess... his wife is continuing to be a stupid dumb bitch. I'll be ever so shocked.

1:08:40 he's probably gonna kill this dude now.

1:11:35 man oh man, this guy sure is a fucking scheming prick. Wow. Fucking wow man.

1:12:20 OMFG.

1:14:25 but wouldn't it be more believable if he'd said the perp shot the cop and then he shot the perp when he tried to run?? The way the bodies were found and all that shit doesn't add up with his story... so dumb.

1:15:20 wonder if his dumbfuck wife is getting it yet? Probably not huh?

1:23:15 I'm honestly soooooo fucking bored with this movie.

1:25:33 at least this lady isn't totally fucking stupid.

1:26:18 uh oh, spoke too soon. Now the cat's gonna get it. I just know it.

1:28:50 you know what... I'd still let him fuck me.

1:29:20 honestly I mean, it looks like a REALLY nice meal. 

1:31:30 oh God, he killed the fucking cat didn't he?

1:32:20 come on lady just bring the cat in and don't say anything.

1:32:40 PUT THE CAT DOWN, LADY.

1:33:08 is it bad that I still totally would bang?

1:34:00 you know what I really do, can you squeeze that out for me?

1:34:30 I'm feelin' it too man.

1:34:40 you better fucking tell him what he wants to hear or you know the cat gets it.

1:35:00 she should just stop resisting. Cuz... you know. The cat.

1:37:35 fuck yeah baby let's get it on!!!

1:37:55 what the fuck so he wants to make out first?? Fuckin' really?? I mean I'd prefer to get right to the bangin' but okay whatever. 

1:39:50 LOL... well. At least things are getting a tad more violent, that's what we like to see.

1:41:30 her husband's pretty win. I like that guy.

1:42:00 ah come on lady it was just a little tap on the head, get the fuck up and defend your husband!

1:42:15 ooo they're ripping each other's clothes off!

1:42:35 quick, somebody throw the cat at him!

1:44:00 LOL his wife is such a fucking pussy, look at her just hiding in the bathroom, pathetic.

1:46:16 WTF, you're gonna leave him alone with the cat?!?!?!?

5.5/10 stars.
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