CSI: Miami (2002) - Review & Commentary
#1
Palm Trees 
WARNING: SPOILERS. HAPPENING. BELOW. DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW.

Season 1 - Episode 1 - "Golden Parachute"

0:35 are they seriously driving this boat/sled thing through a super narrow undoubtedly shallow streak of water??? What in the actual fuck?? Is that a thing?? The hell is this??

0:56 um, this looks NASTY.

David Caruso is very sexy. 

3:20 I like the blonde chick (Emily Procter). I think she has a nice voice.

4:16 what a grizzly job!

6:45 who would ever go against what this hottie says?? I wouldn't!!! LORDY!!!

13:50 LMAO.

14:00 I loooooooooove this corpse examiner lady, Khandi Alexander.

15:45 Horatio such a cutie.

27:38 "Most whistleblowers are women"... is that true?

30:06 this is hot and I love it. Clearly those two were in a compromising position at the time of the incident!

36:40 pretty great storyline.
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#2
Wonder what David Caruso's sexy ass is up to these days...

Hasn't acted since CSI: Miami ended in 2012.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Caruso

According to Wiki, he owns the domain LexiconDigital.tv and according to a WHOIS it hasn't lapsed registration since 2007, so I bet it is still his site...

If you go check it out on Internet Archive...

https://web.archive.org/web/200807012044...igital.tv/

It's looked generally the same since its first activity in 2008, but in 2014 was when it became the version of what it remains today.

And what exactly IS it?? Hmmm...

Honestly? I really can't tell what the fuck it's about.

This video is embedded on the front page:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGwtuUsY9C4

Entitled "911CyberUS - The Internet of Things Requires Vigilance"...

hmmm

A 2015 video with 238 views.

So it's about "cyber security"...

Site footer says "Orions Systems, Inc."

OrionsDigital.com which the site's banner still links to is up for sale.

Looks like there's a 24/7 hotline number.

CSICyber.com also linked to via banner is not loading.

Seems to be a relatively defunct site.

4:45 in that video...

Very interesting.

Wow...

Book
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#3
Emily Procter is a really hot Southern girl.

She's also really short.

~fap~fap~fap~fap~fap~
Hands Up!  Panties Down!
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#4
She IS super hot.
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#5
Season 1 - Episode 2 - "Losing Face"

"A necklace bomb explodes"... A NECKLACE BOMB?? FUCKING REALLY???

0:13 damn that chick's got some nice nails!

She's pretty sexy!

What's with the creepy whispers?

0:55 oh. lol.

Okay well, her reaction was a little over the top, I mean...

One doesn't scream, one just calls the police.

Oh. The note says "do not call the police"... darn, what're we gonna do now??

1:20 so I guess she called the police?! Nice. Definitely the right choice.

1:35 look how fuckable Horatio is. Makes me wanna bang super hard.

2:30 oh this guy's totally gonna die and Horatio knows it too.

God, Horatio is so damn fucking sexy. God. Seems like these super hot characters are some of the only reasons to watch a lot of these shows.

5:00 he's so cool and calm and unemotional... makes me so turnt.

7:20 LOL, this show IS ridiculous though. I'm not saying this isn't how crime scene forensics really works, but... I'm sure to the pros a lot of aspects of this show seem ridiculous.

8:41 yeah that's what I was thinking too LOL.

9:20 what a grizzly job.

11:28 he's gonna tell the kids??

13:00 LOL it would take DAYS, successive, with absolutely no breaks whatsoever to uncover even HALF of those conclusions.

18:34 you can take a swab of anything you want, baby!!!!!!!!!

19:22 LOL look what a gorgeous creature David Caruso is. That fucking amazing red hair, my God.

20:30 it's either her or it's someone trying to set her up.

21:17 I don't know why the hell she's going into her own personal stories when Horatio literally just figured out who the fucking killer is.

22:20 don't listen to the fucking broad, the one chick was wearing french lace.

23:36 oooo God yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

24:40 SHE'S deactivating the bomb?

26:10 it's so ridiculous they'd try to argue and fly in the face of Horatio. As if he doesn't know his shit or he couldn't be right or something. Like... it isn't even believable.

26:40 look at the squiggle on the screen in the bottom right corner. That's odd.

28:00 does he think the kid is an unknowing participant?? God, Horatio is soooo cool, such a smooth operator. I wanna meet somebody like this is in real life.

29:00 aweee... this poor kid. What of an asshole would do something like that.

30:16 LMFAO at how they try to make the bot look so badass.

33:01 damn yo!!!

This was a better episode than the first one.
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#6
Season 1 - Episode 3 - "Wet Foot/Dry Foot"

1:30 LMFAO OMG!!!!!!

4:44 that half an upper body is way too limber to have been dead in a shark for that long.

12:00 not super into this episode, but it's still not bad.

13:44 more like get a better flashlight.

14:28 CUHCAINE?!?!?!!?!?!!!!?!?!!

I wanna act on a bullshit show like this. It would be fun, and I'm a great actress.

16:40 come on, she looks great for being dead for so long, I mean this is so unrealistic.

22:40 "those are my people in there" LMFAO shut the fuck up.

25:00 makes me wanna play with a microscope.

26:20 I'm pretty sure I remember these two end up dating or something.

28:25 awe, Horatio looks cute in a lab coat!

29:55 look at these rowdy immigrants who don't want justice for their slain family members, LOL!

32:30 how did he get the gun??

33:40 so he accidentally killed his sister?? Ooo, that's tough!

41:16 more like she coerced him into shooting her. Is that really his fault? Nah. It's totally her fault.

42:10 lmao you can't bleed to death that fast.

LOL it's like this whole episode was designed to make us feel bad for immigrants... didn't work.
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#7
Season 1 - Episode 4 - "Just One Kiss"

0:22 what is this Patrick Swayze's illegitimate son??

Hmm, Patrick Swayze never had any kids... https://www.closerweekly.com/posts/did-p...ame-a-dad/ This article tries to explain why, but we all know it was really because he didn't want his kids to be victimized by the hollywood machine. He did the right thing.

3:20 I love how Alexx talks to the stiffs, that's her character's schtick.

10:30 ooo, what a mystery!

17:30 so she met this hotass Guatemalan dude and wanted to bang... it's understandable. Then the boyfriend finds them and exacts revenge. But... it's too simple a story. What's the catch?

22:00 aw that's fucked up.

28:00 fuckin' scumbags.

33:15 I honestly think CSI: Miami is a great show.

35:14 what I wouldn't give to have Horatio say that to MY face!!! *nanarub*

37:50 damn yo, they're hardcore straight up about this evil elitist family and its bloodline, lmao. Nice!

39:18 ouuuuuch.
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#8
Season 1 - Episode 5 - "Ashes To Ashes"

6:30 "Last time I was in church was when Kurt Cobain died"... what a weird statement. At the time of filming, it would have been 8 years ago. So weird.

14:40 "Not just skin cells, is it?" Damn straight Horatio.

16:30 I can't stand skateboarders.

17:20 LOL it's the Elliot Rodger lookin' kid, how surprising!!!

18:50 this is pretty chill music, I like it.

27:33 "You ever see a gator comin' towards you in a sewer?" LMFAOLOLOL!!!!!!!

31:00 obviously the mom did it.

33:30 God, Horatio is so lovable.

35:15 well come on, that fucking guy needed killin'.

38:55 oh Horatio, you make me so turnt!

I think this is a good show.
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#9
Season 1 - Episode 6 - "Broken"

2:26 oh man this is gonna be too much for Horatio.

So I guess he wears those suits all year round in that Miami heat?

11:16 "She was too good for this earth" amen to that shit.

18:00 God this lady is so fine LOL... and I don't sense any haughty bitch bullshit from her either.

It's never the obvious ones though, I don't think their suspect dude is the guy.

26:20 they paint this job as so interesting.

29:55 there's a strange "digital glitch" in the picture for a split second... I suspect subconscious programming.

Meh, I think this is a great show.
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#10
Season 1 - Episode 7 - "Breathless"

I really like this show (I always did, but I haven't seen that many episodes). I'm sure they'll do something to piss me off sooner or later though.

0:29 oh my damn, I'd totally let this male stripper fuck my body!!! Not sure chicks actually like male strippers though LMAO aren't they all gay??

Unlike being a woman, there's not a huge time constraint on being a male stripper. I mean there IS a limit, but it's not as soon as for chicks.

0:37 I bet this guy is a Leo.

0:48 this lady freaks me out NGL.

Yeesh, gross!

I find it frightening!

1:34 "Guess we can't rule out exposure"... LMFAO that is soooooooooo cheesy. Love it though, love it.

4:18 a "cupcake party"?? OMG sooo disturbing.

5:10 listen, I'm sexually attracted to David Caruso. He's so damn gorgeous and smooth, I looove it. Horatio was an amazing character.

10:45 well shit, I mean can you blame the lady?? The fuckin' guy's a total stranger who climbs on their boat and hovers over her husband like a fuckin' zombie smellin' brains?!

12:42 "Please, you have to believe me!" Who the fuck SAYS THAT in real life??? LMAO! Nobody. Seriously. NO ONE.

33:55 it's crazy how they just keep these bodies lying around for days (?) and they still look all fresh 'n shit. LOL.

36:35 but wait, does that still mean it was murder???

38:40 I don't get why he killed this guy at all.

40:17 if that's true, what a lucky bitch! LOL!

41:35 ungrateful bitch! My God! Totally not believable though.

There hasn't been a bad episode of this show yet... even the immigrant sympathy propaganda episode wasn't "bad", just sort of obnoxious. Not as bad as some shit I've seen on other shows.
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#11
Season 1 - Episode 8 - "Slaughterhouse"

8:00 damn yo, what a scene. WTF?! I bet shit like this actually happens too.

10:00 you can't go into a bloody scene like that with your hair down.

12:16 not a bad way to go.

17:25 the episode is kinda boring, but not overtly bad... I just prefer the episodes where it's a whodunnit with a live perpetrator.

29:15 on the real though... if you're a fed up mom, what the fuck is the point of killing your family if you're just gonna ultimately kill yourself anyway? Why not just simple suicide?

34:30 how the hell could he have been the shooter if he was shot twice???

35:30 it was obviously the dad then.

37:45 he wouldn't be up walking around yet LMAO.

That guy totally could have shot himself in the back.

38:40 wow, too bad the teenager didn't make it out with the baby.

What a terrible story!

39:25 again, why not just ABANDON the family and go somewhere you can't be found?? It makes so much more sense. Stupid.

Definitely a slightly boring episode but still good.
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#12
Season 1 - Episode 9 - "Kill Zone"

0:44 INSTANT CHAOS, ERMERGERD!!!!!!!!!!!

1:08 sniper should've shot the balloon too just to show he really means business.

2:25 well I thought that much was pretty fucking obvious.

4:29 whoa look at her bitchin' outfit, hot damn!!!

39:40 that was really fun... I multitasked thru this whole episode, I was prettymuch only listening up til this point.
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#13
Season 1 - Episode 10 - "A Horrible Mind"

23:18 "He once asked me to kiss his shoes... and I did. *cries*" ... ROFLROFLMFAOLOLOL!!! I'm multitasking hard watching this show right now but that shit was TOO funny.

27:07 ooo la la!!! Senor is sexy!!!

28:14 hell yeah, amen Horatio!!! Rawr!!!

39:00 this chick is super cute in a nerdy way.

40:00 I think he got what was coming to him. Give her 5 years and let her go.
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#14
Season 1 - Episode 11 - "Camp Fear"

0:37 ah, the carefree youth... when sneaking a cigarette is the worst thing you do!

4:00 the smell of rotting bodies would definitely be the worst thing about these jobs!

9:33 LMFAOOOOMG how is that shit LEGAL!?!?!?!?!

10:00 that black guy has a great voice.

13:00 "SIR YES SIR, THAT'S MY HOTASS LESBIAN GIRLFRIEND, SIR."

15:08 "I cut my balls shaving, sir."

26:30 fuckin' yeeeeeiiiiiikes.

33:16 aha, told ya.

34:30 totally knew it was her all along.

38:20 "Trip out" LOL I haven't heard that one in a long time.
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#15
Season 1 - Episode 12 - "Entrance Wound"

I like the names of these episodes.

0:53 LOL oh shit.

19:30 what the hell is he implying here?? A setup?

34:55 LOLOL. Walking into the bathroom to find Horatio sniffing your bar of soap... *dreamy sigh*

36:00 that's kinda hot honestly.

38:18 OMG he framed the black guy, that's so racist!
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#16
Season 1 - Episode 13 - "Bunk"

1:00 oh shit... that ain't even right.

16:30 OMG I have literally not been watching this episode whatsoever, LMAO.

25:40 LOL it's rare this lady gets pissed off.

31:30 no fricken way, can they really do that?

41:07 LOL, I just love Horatio... absolutely love this character. Perfectly done.
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#17
Season 1 - Episode 14 - "Forced Entry"

Yeesh, the synopsis of this episode sounds particularly grisly!!!

5:20 dude oh my God... I quit! Take this job and shove it, amirite?!

7:10 wow now THAT'S trippy! Holy cow, is that really possible?!?!?!?!?!?!? Woooowwwww... so tattoos that get lasered off or whatever are STILL UNDER THE SKIN?!?!?!?!?!

11:00 "I had to micro a hand just last week"... LMAO. 11:20 ROFL.

13:40 what a weird mess. LMAO.

21:00 paint from that retarded music club.

21:45 so the rapist gets raped eh!?

22:50 I don't blame this guy for being pissed, even if he did do it!

24:00 whoever did it shouldn't get any punishment.

28:27 seems like this tech guy and I are absolute twins... both incredibly talented, thorough, devoted. Top notch.

35:55 "Moist and Bellybutton" ROFLROFLMFAAAAOOOOO.

38:28 I'll take a CSI over a lawyer any day.

39:50 so HE was raped?! That's just WRONG!!! Give a pat on the back and let the guy go, come on, he was just taking out the trash. He should get free therapy, not prison time.
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#18
Season 1 - Episode 15 - "Dead Woman Walking"

I personally love CSI: Miami, I think it's a great show and it has great music too.

1:08 "Hey mister, get over here!" LOL yeaaah, that's... sooo likely to work. *sarcasm*

13:40 who the hell is this woman? Oh wow, radiation?? Wow that's fucked up tho!!!

17:17 I feel like these two are falling in love!

22:00 oh man, that's fucked up yo.

25:36 that's some deep shit.

31:35 Horatio looks exceptionally good in this scene.

41:08 what a fuckin' loser.
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#19
Season 1 - Episode 16 - "Evidence Of Things Unseen"

11:00 oh wow, didn't see that one comin'!

14:30 I like this bald guy!

17:00 damn dude, they're getting knocked off left and right!

27:30 but WHY kill him?? Did I miss something?? Guess that's what I get for barely paying attention.

32:15 God look how dystopian and dismal that view is.

33:55 who is this new chick?? I don't really like her that much.

40:30 holy Horatio... <3 Not believable, but definitely respectable and lovable as a character in a big way.
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#20
Season 1 - Episode 17 - "Simple Man"

5:09 I love Calleigh, I think she's a great character too. I love that she knows all about bullets.

7:30 that tie is way too short.

9:00 aww, so sad.

9:40 agh, my God, so grisly.

10:00 underwater is like, the worst place for a car to end up.

12:15 I don't like this pushy fucking Hagen guy. He acted that assholish part so well I genuinely hated him for 30 seconds.

16:09 that's my motto!

17:20 if they really work this hard and do this kinda shit to solve crimes, then why don't we ever see them doing it?

24:05 "Be still my heart" LOL amen to that.

27:00 they've totally lost me, I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on.

29:20 it sounded like she said "seventy" percent instead of what I assume was "seventeen" percent... they should have made her enunciate better!

31:25 "It's just a list"... wow, since when did everybody become a damn hater against Horatio??

33:00 bahahahaha wow, they nailed the shit out of that guy.

35:10 yowza baby, hell yeah!!! *sunglasses*

37:03 "That's why I'm walkin' it with him" HELL YES BABY!!!

40:50 who the hell is this lady?? Did I miss something?? I hope they don't make it a habit.
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