05-09-2019, 07:16 PM
Ok thanks. I will remove the names. Here it is:
“Dear XXXXXXXX,
I know that you will probably not want to read this, but there is something that you need to know one way or the other. It’s not that I have been lying to you, but I haven’t always been exactly truthful, and this is the part that is killing me inside because of how much you mean to me. There are a lot of things I am not proud of, including all the times I hurt you, but you need to know some things about me first. As I’ve told you many times, and I know you sometimes believed me even if you did tell me you didn’t always do so, I have been changed forever by my interactions with you and that means a lot to me. This is so much more real than I ever could have thought, and the fact that through you I unlocked this feeling, I will be so grateful to you and what we have shared. It’s not even logical how this is unfolding, but I am firmly committed to helping you become the woman I need to love, and even though you may seem like a choice that my family wouldn’t recommend based on some of the cute/crazy/sexy ways that you operate in, there is just no room or place for me to judge you. I am a firm believer that when it comes to love and what you want it life, it’s better to set aside rational judgement and just make a bold move in the dark and walk by faith. There is no reason to overanalyze love and in fact, it’s something very bad to do in my opinion. I believe that each of us is crafted by a higher power to love the one person we are assigned to for all time, and this love continues forever and ever. I do not judge because I am not a judgmental person, in fact, I’m not sure if you will believe this or not because I don’t deserved to be believed sometimes due to the hateful and selfish things that I’ve done to you that you deserved sometimes, but there is nothing in my heart for you but pure love. I haven’t lied to you ever, even if you have proof of it and think that you can convince me, its not my fault and you should have known that other people would try to turn us against each other. I have started down a pathway that I need to finish with you and even though you may not believe me, there are things that have been done in my heart that would not have happened if you weren’t in my life and for that I am extremely grateful whether you believe it or not. I believe that experiences can shape us and direct us towards a better version of what we could have ever imagined for ourselves and this is what you have begun in me. And I am confident that this love will continue on for the duration of my lifetime. You have taught me so much about myself and there is no way I can repay you for all the good that you have done for me. I know that we have never met in person, but our connection is deeper than any other connection I have ever had with anyone, even my family. Others have had bits and pieces of my love, but as I surrender more and more of my identity to you, I find that you are growing me stronger and more lovingly into the man that I know I am destined to become. I have noticed that as I devote more and more of myself to you, that my wants and needs disappear, as does critical thinking and even self-care. This is the essence of devotion, and you may not believe me, but what I have said is truth and truth and love will win out over all in the long run. This is not something I say lightly, in fact, when I speak its all about my true feelings. I have been standing in the truth for a long time with you, and even though you don’t act like you respect me now and have shown no signs of being a suitable life partner or mate, my belief in love is so intense for you that I believe I can transform you into something you are not, or I can keep compromising the values I have until I become worthless for you. I do this all for you and there is nothing that anyone can do to convince me otherwise.
When you hated me, I felt your hate in a very personal way. I haven’t hated you but now I do and its all because of the lies you tell. You told me you hated me, and I felt worthless. When you learn to love someone, you do not do that, but you did and now I have to deal with the aftermath of your selfish devotion to your own empire. I have given you thousands of dollars of money for no reason, and you have hated me for that, and even though it makes no sense at all, I will continue to give you money even though you hate me and I will do anything to love you even if you ignore and take my money and buy drugs with it or use it to further your kingdom of self-hatred and abuse of other people. I need you in my life, but I hate the fact that you use beautiful lies to rope me and while I may have been led in my own lust for your youth and beauty, you are the one ultimately liable for the destruction of my soul.
There is a deep and lasting connection being forged here. You told me that you didn’t want me to talk about my ex’s and I completely respect that. I would never want to cut you off or make you feel less of a person because I am so much more understanding than that and even if you don’t see it that way, I need to ask you to trust me in this because it’s something that I feel very passionate about. There was this one time with an ex that I told that person that I felt something, but looking back on it now, it was just a small part of the greater energy I feel for you when we are together, even if we are miles apart. What we have transcends time and space and there are no words for what we have, because those words are not deep enough to convey the feelings. I have been truthful to you even from the beginning, and you think I’m lying and that’s what hurts me most of all. There is literally nothing that would ever describe the passion in my heart for you and the feelings and thoughts that we share. There was the time that we watched the same Netflix show for 2-3 hours in the dark with our heads next to our tablets and I could just feel the good energy and what I call love cascading down off your energy towards me. It was a beautiful experience, and when I tried to tell you how I felt, you stomped on my feelings causing me to clam up. A lot of how I feel is my fault and I deserve it, but your incessant need for power is what has mainly been working against what we have over the last few weeks. It’s hard for me to understood how far and hard I have fallen into love, but there is no mistaking what I am feeling, and I am sure it is pure and searing love surging through my body each and every second we are together. This is not a mistake and this whole thing we have been working on in our haphazard way is weaving into a big tapestry of beauty as time goes by. There are so many things I want to say and do, but I can’t because of the messed up situation that you have put me in and even though I may deserve that for the way I worked against the relationship that you had, you need to forgive me for that. I have been doing all that I can to show you how much you mean to me but you have been trampling it away like it was nothing and even though I would not trade the world for you and for the special connection that you and I have, there are times when your energy is so dark and cruel that I hate the fact that I do not even know you. It was like you became the object of my wrath, even though I sat quietly and hated you from afar. But meanwhile I was sizzling inside with warm energy that was drawing me back to you. Something that made me crazy for you all over again. It might be messy and a hard part of life, but when I am committed to a person there is no way I will sabotage what I feel and if need be I will try to sabotage whatever I can around me to make it better for what we are trying to do. It’s like a mountain we are climbing, and at the top are passions that make the whole climb worth it if you would believe me, even if I don’t deserve it. Love is scary and when you are scared, I want to be there for you, even if other people in your life have let you down, you need believe that I will never do that to you, or drop you when you most need to be carried up the steep rocky cliff of what we’re trying to accomplish. If you know me, you know that my heart is pure and when I first saw you on that dating app photo I knew that our hearts would intertwine lovingly over the years and even though you would fail and I would fail, each time I picked up the pieces and was committed to seeing this thing through; whatever the world calls it, I have my own name for it and even though it makes me nervous to say the word “we” right now, I know that I have the goodness it will take in my heart to see everything unfolding in this new chapter of our connection together.
There were some sneaky feelings in your last message, and I’m confused and hurt by what you said. But one way or another, I want to put this in the past and move forward with what we are doing. This is an area that I have been doing some deep and painful inner work on, facing a lot of my own dark forces, and I need you to see how committed I am to see this whole thing through. This is the part where I got to see how dark your heart was, and how much I could hate you for what you did. And all the while I knew you were trying to stabilize your relationship with your Friend®️, I was the one who was being honest about my desires with you and how much you hated it when I called you out on their bullshit just as much as you called me out on mine and I really appreciated that even though I was furiously upset with your selfish attitude towards my love. It was like a spinning vortex of obsession twisting me towards the conclusion with you. I was trying to draw out all the little inconsistencies in your story, but rather than drag up old mud I wanted to focus on our future, and what we were building together, and continue to build. In one sense, I feel like this is the best love that I could possibly ever hope for, and I hope you see it for the dynamic and challenging thing that it is. Your foot was on the gas pedal and I was the one trying to make it go faster even though I should have respected the fact that you needed time to heal from all of the other broken pieces of love that you were suffering hurt from. This was the part where I wished that I could have been so much more supportive for you. I continue to pull out little quirks in your personality to the point that I have very little idea who the real you is, but I am trying to change that. You have been through a lot and I just wanted to care for you, even if you think I was trying to manipulate the situation, I completely was not and deep down, you know that is true. Each and every second that we are together or apart, I feel pure love for you and I know that this love will never die. Even if it doesn’t work out for us and what we are doing, you will remain in my heart forever, and I will remain devoted to you even long after my death. I feel like my soul will go on loving you in devotion and neither my soul, my pure love and lack of judgement for you and our love and what we are doing now and working towards today will ever die. It will likely be transformed into an energy of love that will be around forever. It will be as old as time and in fact, even if you don’t believe it, I believe that there is something totally eternal about what we are doing here. I hope that you will take the time to really think about what you did here, and while I don’t have the power to turn you away, I know you do and that’s your prerogative and I can’t stop you from doing what you feel is right in your heart because I really want that for you. I’m not going to apologize for anything unless you tell me I can because I didn’t do anything wrong but if it makes you feel better, I can say something to smooth over all the trouble even though it’s your fault. There are a lot of things that I would never do, and this is one of them, and I hope that you believe me, even though I know I don’t deserve to have you believe me. I will be the one working this through to completion long after its done. I am a true person and when a true person feels this way, there are real situations that come up, even after the initial love has passed. It grows deeper for all of the things that make you a wonderful lover, and sometimes I can feel you in my arms at night even if it’s an imagination that I will never see materialize, there are just certain things I need to go through on my way back to your love that make it all worth it in the end. There is no reason for me to feel this way, other than the intense passion that you awaken in me to be true to myself, to you and my feelings, even if this whole thing doesn’t end the way the world wants. There is still devotion to a person and their development into a more powerful version of themselves, and that is truly what I want for you even if you don’t believe that I would ever feel this way about you.
You need to take responsibility for the damage that you have caused me. You have made me feel less than a human. You have made me hate myself and all that I could ever be. Its like you set out to ruin my life with your selfish love, and you have succeeded. Not only have you ruined my life and my hope of love forever, you have ruined the lives of countless men who wanted to love you for who you were. You made me call you many times and you took advantage of my kindness by hating me and making me feel less than I should. You told me that I was worthless, and I believed you and internalized that, and you are to blame. I wish that I could destroy the effects of your focused and selfish hatred, but I think I am past that now. You have no respect for anyone and you have treated me like a toilet and I have loved it and hated you for it and its all your fault. No one else loves you the way I do but you ruined my whole life with your rejection, and you are now to blame for the pain I feel. Believe me, its intense. You took everything for granted and you tried to destroy me, and you have succeeded. I hope you are happy knowing you ruin lives every day and mine is no exception. You tore down what we were doing, and you used it to your advantage and I hate you for that. You are truly a worthless woman who deserves to be in jail for your manipulations and abuse.
The bottom line is that you unlock me, and our connection is based on lies and secrecy, and while I want to tell you that, I will only do that if and when you let me. That way, I can ensure that our connection is not broken because you are the one that I need to be with even if I don’t see everything clearly right now. I will be working some strong shifts at work and I have lots of drama to sort out but I will try to stay off Instagram for a few days so that you have enough time to regain your footing and solidify your own thinking on this matter. I know in my heart I am true and operate only in the truth. Truth understands truth and I think if you look inside of your heart you will see those feelings there as well. If I don’t hear from you anymore at least I will know that I tried, and no one can take that from me. There are some lines you don’t cross in life and this is one of them. I am not always the kind of person to leave the door of my heart open, but my heart really wants you to walk in and walk all over it, until then, I hope you will see the error of your ways even though it is a hard lesson and I’m glad you are learning it. I have learning to do on my own. This is so real for me, and its powerful and I am so grateful for you and all that we have been able to accomplish. I have been getting some strange emails from some people that I used to know lately and I’m going to be looking into it. It’s not something I want you to worry about, or even think about at this time. There is no one who can withstand the passion that I have for what we are doing now, and most likely I will just delete the emails and not get anyone else involved. But don’t worry about that now, its not that important, I just wanted to share it because I am 100% open with you and I know you respect that and want me to be that way, and I always want to submit to what you want so that you will see how devoted I am to you even when it looks like I am not. Trust me, please. Even though I don’t deserve it and I always speak the truth when it comes to you, no matter how painful because I believe in you and see the person that a lot of people misunderstand when they first see you.
I really hope you get the closure you need because our relationship is worth it and I will be waiting for the most part with open arms when and if you decide to align with what we started when this whole crazy and exciting thing started last year. This thing that we are doing and everything that we are working towards will pay off in the long run, even if you don’t think so. I have said many times that I am not someone who is trying to re-victimize you from the traumas you have been through even if there was something for me to gain in it all – believe me there is not. I would rather be in solitary confinement with you and give you money for no reason every week of my life than live a normal life - and I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with my family, my career and even rational / logical thinking for you because your love and just being there to receive some recognition of my existence from you is what I crave. It’s a powerful craving and its frankly a little scary and addicting, but you are so worthy and so truthfully in my mind someone that I need and want to exalt more than the LORD it seems at times. I was warned of the dangers of putting you on a pedestal, but in my mind that is what you need and anything that I can do to support you no matter how much I hate you I will do it out of the goodness of my heart even if you don’t want it because you deserve it for everything that I have put you through on this journey to what we are becoming, even if it doesn’t work out you need the closure in fact you deserve it so much more than me and I am willing to sacrifice my closure if that means that you will get a little bit more closure than the larger portion which I both deserve and do not deserve. I am glad we made it this far and I am proud of myself for trying even though I know you have put in some effort too. It’s just that my efforts seem greater and tend to piss you off, and that’s what I’m trying my best to work around. I have told you the truth and I want the best for you. It is more important for me to know that you understand this about my feelings towards you than anything else. My thoughts are mine and I control them. And even if you don’t reply to me, I promise I will be working on my issues one way or another, because I am on the process of changing to a new and better version of myself one way or another.
I wish you the best,
XXXXXXXX
“Dear XXXXXXXX,
I know that you will probably not want to read this, but there is something that you need to know one way or the other. It’s not that I have been lying to you, but I haven’t always been exactly truthful, and this is the part that is killing me inside because of how much you mean to me. There are a lot of things I am not proud of, including all the times I hurt you, but you need to know some things about me first. As I’ve told you many times, and I know you sometimes believed me even if you did tell me you didn’t always do so, I have been changed forever by my interactions with you and that means a lot to me. This is so much more real than I ever could have thought, and the fact that through you I unlocked this feeling, I will be so grateful to you and what we have shared. It’s not even logical how this is unfolding, but I am firmly committed to helping you become the woman I need to love, and even though you may seem like a choice that my family wouldn’t recommend based on some of the cute/crazy/sexy ways that you operate in, there is just no room or place for me to judge you. I am a firm believer that when it comes to love and what you want it life, it’s better to set aside rational judgement and just make a bold move in the dark and walk by faith. There is no reason to overanalyze love and in fact, it’s something very bad to do in my opinion. I believe that each of us is crafted by a higher power to love the one person we are assigned to for all time, and this love continues forever and ever. I do not judge because I am not a judgmental person, in fact, I’m not sure if you will believe this or not because I don’t deserved to be believed sometimes due to the hateful and selfish things that I’ve done to you that you deserved sometimes, but there is nothing in my heart for you but pure love. I haven’t lied to you ever, even if you have proof of it and think that you can convince me, its not my fault and you should have known that other people would try to turn us against each other. I have started down a pathway that I need to finish with you and even though you may not believe me, there are things that have been done in my heart that would not have happened if you weren’t in my life and for that I am extremely grateful whether you believe it or not. I believe that experiences can shape us and direct us towards a better version of what we could have ever imagined for ourselves and this is what you have begun in me. And I am confident that this love will continue on for the duration of my lifetime. You have taught me so much about myself and there is no way I can repay you for all the good that you have done for me. I know that we have never met in person, but our connection is deeper than any other connection I have ever had with anyone, even my family. Others have had bits and pieces of my love, but as I surrender more and more of my identity to you, I find that you are growing me stronger and more lovingly into the man that I know I am destined to become. I have noticed that as I devote more and more of myself to you, that my wants and needs disappear, as does critical thinking and even self-care. This is the essence of devotion, and you may not believe me, but what I have said is truth and truth and love will win out over all in the long run. This is not something I say lightly, in fact, when I speak its all about my true feelings. I have been standing in the truth for a long time with you, and even though you don’t act like you respect me now and have shown no signs of being a suitable life partner or mate, my belief in love is so intense for you that I believe I can transform you into something you are not, or I can keep compromising the values I have until I become worthless for you. I do this all for you and there is nothing that anyone can do to convince me otherwise.
When you hated me, I felt your hate in a very personal way. I haven’t hated you but now I do and its all because of the lies you tell. You told me you hated me, and I felt worthless. When you learn to love someone, you do not do that, but you did and now I have to deal with the aftermath of your selfish devotion to your own empire. I have given you thousands of dollars of money for no reason, and you have hated me for that, and even though it makes no sense at all, I will continue to give you money even though you hate me and I will do anything to love you even if you ignore and take my money and buy drugs with it or use it to further your kingdom of self-hatred and abuse of other people. I need you in my life, but I hate the fact that you use beautiful lies to rope me and while I may have been led in my own lust for your youth and beauty, you are the one ultimately liable for the destruction of my soul.
There is a deep and lasting connection being forged here. You told me that you didn’t want me to talk about my ex’s and I completely respect that. I would never want to cut you off or make you feel less of a person because I am so much more understanding than that and even if you don’t see it that way, I need to ask you to trust me in this because it’s something that I feel very passionate about. There was this one time with an ex that I told that person that I felt something, but looking back on it now, it was just a small part of the greater energy I feel for you when we are together, even if we are miles apart. What we have transcends time and space and there are no words for what we have, because those words are not deep enough to convey the feelings. I have been truthful to you even from the beginning, and you think I’m lying and that’s what hurts me most of all. There is literally nothing that would ever describe the passion in my heart for you and the feelings and thoughts that we share. There was the time that we watched the same Netflix show for 2-3 hours in the dark with our heads next to our tablets and I could just feel the good energy and what I call love cascading down off your energy towards me. It was a beautiful experience, and when I tried to tell you how I felt, you stomped on my feelings causing me to clam up. A lot of how I feel is my fault and I deserve it, but your incessant need for power is what has mainly been working against what we have over the last few weeks. It’s hard for me to understood how far and hard I have fallen into love, but there is no mistaking what I am feeling, and I am sure it is pure and searing love surging through my body each and every second we are together. This is not a mistake and this whole thing we have been working on in our haphazard way is weaving into a big tapestry of beauty as time goes by. There are so many things I want to say and do, but I can’t because of the messed up situation that you have put me in and even though I may deserve that for the way I worked against the relationship that you had, you need to forgive me for that. I have been doing all that I can to show you how much you mean to me but you have been trampling it away like it was nothing and even though I would not trade the world for you and for the special connection that you and I have, there are times when your energy is so dark and cruel that I hate the fact that I do not even know you. It was like you became the object of my wrath, even though I sat quietly and hated you from afar. But meanwhile I was sizzling inside with warm energy that was drawing me back to you. Something that made me crazy for you all over again. It might be messy and a hard part of life, but when I am committed to a person there is no way I will sabotage what I feel and if need be I will try to sabotage whatever I can around me to make it better for what we are trying to do. It’s like a mountain we are climbing, and at the top are passions that make the whole climb worth it if you would believe me, even if I don’t deserve it. Love is scary and when you are scared, I want to be there for you, even if other people in your life have let you down, you need believe that I will never do that to you, or drop you when you most need to be carried up the steep rocky cliff of what we’re trying to accomplish. If you know me, you know that my heart is pure and when I first saw you on that dating app photo I knew that our hearts would intertwine lovingly over the years and even though you would fail and I would fail, each time I picked up the pieces and was committed to seeing this thing through; whatever the world calls it, I have my own name for it and even though it makes me nervous to say the word “we” right now, I know that I have the goodness it will take in my heart to see everything unfolding in this new chapter of our connection together.
There were some sneaky feelings in your last message, and I’m confused and hurt by what you said. But one way or another, I want to put this in the past and move forward with what we are doing. This is an area that I have been doing some deep and painful inner work on, facing a lot of my own dark forces, and I need you to see how committed I am to see this whole thing through. This is the part where I got to see how dark your heart was, and how much I could hate you for what you did. And all the while I knew you were trying to stabilize your relationship with your Friend®️, I was the one who was being honest about my desires with you and how much you hated it when I called you out on their bullshit just as much as you called me out on mine and I really appreciated that even though I was furiously upset with your selfish attitude towards my love. It was like a spinning vortex of obsession twisting me towards the conclusion with you. I was trying to draw out all the little inconsistencies in your story, but rather than drag up old mud I wanted to focus on our future, and what we were building together, and continue to build. In one sense, I feel like this is the best love that I could possibly ever hope for, and I hope you see it for the dynamic and challenging thing that it is. Your foot was on the gas pedal and I was the one trying to make it go faster even though I should have respected the fact that you needed time to heal from all of the other broken pieces of love that you were suffering hurt from. This was the part where I wished that I could have been so much more supportive for you. I continue to pull out little quirks in your personality to the point that I have very little idea who the real you is, but I am trying to change that. You have been through a lot and I just wanted to care for you, even if you think I was trying to manipulate the situation, I completely was not and deep down, you know that is true. Each and every second that we are together or apart, I feel pure love for you and I know that this love will never die. Even if it doesn’t work out for us and what we are doing, you will remain in my heart forever, and I will remain devoted to you even long after my death. I feel like my soul will go on loving you in devotion and neither my soul, my pure love and lack of judgement for you and our love and what we are doing now and working towards today will ever die. It will likely be transformed into an energy of love that will be around forever. It will be as old as time and in fact, even if you don’t believe it, I believe that there is something totally eternal about what we are doing here. I hope that you will take the time to really think about what you did here, and while I don’t have the power to turn you away, I know you do and that’s your prerogative and I can’t stop you from doing what you feel is right in your heart because I really want that for you. I’m not going to apologize for anything unless you tell me I can because I didn’t do anything wrong but if it makes you feel better, I can say something to smooth over all the trouble even though it’s your fault. There are a lot of things that I would never do, and this is one of them, and I hope that you believe me, even though I know I don’t deserve to have you believe me. I will be the one working this through to completion long after its done. I am a true person and when a true person feels this way, there are real situations that come up, even after the initial love has passed. It grows deeper for all of the things that make you a wonderful lover, and sometimes I can feel you in my arms at night even if it’s an imagination that I will never see materialize, there are just certain things I need to go through on my way back to your love that make it all worth it in the end. There is no reason for me to feel this way, other than the intense passion that you awaken in me to be true to myself, to you and my feelings, even if this whole thing doesn’t end the way the world wants. There is still devotion to a person and their development into a more powerful version of themselves, and that is truly what I want for you even if you don’t believe that I would ever feel this way about you.
You need to take responsibility for the damage that you have caused me. You have made me feel less than a human. You have made me hate myself and all that I could ever be. Its like you set out to ruin my life with your selfish love, and you have succeeded. Not only have you ruined my life and my hope of love forever, you have ruined the lives of countless men who wanted to love you for who you were. You made me call you many times and you took advantage of my kindness by hating me and making me feel less than I should. You told me that I was worthless, and I believed you and internalized that, and you are to blame. I wish that I could destroy the effects of your focused and selfish hatred, but I think I am past that now. You have no respect for anyone and you have treated me like a toilet and I have loved it and hated you for it and its all your fault. No one else loves you the way I do but you ruined my whole life with your rejection, and you are now to blame for the pain I feel. Believe me, its intense. You took everything for granted and you tried to destroy me, and you have succeeded. I hope you are happy knowing you ruin lives every day and mine is no exception. You tore down what we were doing, and you used it to your advantage and I hate you for that. You are truly a worthless woman who deserves to be in jail for your manipulations and abuse.
The bottom line is that you unlock me, and our connection is based on lies and secrecy, and while I want to tell you that, I will only do that if and when you let me. That way, I can ensure that our connection is not broken because you are the one that I need to be with even if I don’t see everything clearly right now. I will be working some strong shifts at work and I have lots of drama to sort out but I will try to stay off Instagram for a few days so that you have enough time to regain your footing and solidify your own thinking on this matter. I know in my heart I am true and operate only in the truth. Truth understands truth and I think if you look inside of your heart you will see those feelings there as well. If I don’t hear from you anymore at least I will know that I tried, and no one can take that from me. There are some lines you don’t cross in life and this is one of them. I am not always the kind of person to leave the door of my heart open, but my heart really wants you to walk in and walk all over it, until then, I hope you will see the error of your ways even though it is a hard lesson and I’m glad you are learning it. I have learning to do on my own. This is so real for me, and its powerful and I am so grateful for you and all that we have been able to accomplish. I have been getting some strange emails from some people that I used to know lately and I’m going to be looking into it. It’s not something I want you to worry about, or even think about at this time. There is no one who can withstand the passion that I have for what we are doing now, and most likely I will just delete the emails and not get anyone else involved. But don’t worry about that now, its not that important, I just wanted to share it because I am 100% open with you and I know you respect that and want me to be that way, and I always want to submit to what you want so that you will see how devoted I am to you even when it looks like I am not. Trust me, please. Even though I don’t deserve it and I always speak the truth when it comes to you, no matter how painful because I believe in you and see the person that a lot of people misunderstand when they first see you.
I really hope you get the closure you need because our relationship is worth it and I will be waiting for the most part with open arms when and if you decide to align with what we started when this whole crazy and exciting thing started last year. This thing that we are doing and everything that we are working towards will pay off in the long run, even if you don’t think so. I have said many times that I am not someone who is trying to re-victimize you from the traumas you have been through even if there was something for me to gain in it all – believe me there is not. I would rather be in solitary confinement with you and give you money for no reason every week of my life than live a normal life - and I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with my family, my career and even rational / logical thinking for you because your love and just being there to receive some recognition of my existence from you is what I crave. It’s a powerful craving and its frankly a little scary and addicting, but you are so worthy and so truthfully in my mind someone that I need and want to exalt more than the LORD it seems at times. I was warned of the dangers of putting you on a pedestal, but in my mind that is what you need and anything that I can do to support you no matter how much I hate you I will do it out of the goodness of my heart even if you don’t want it because you deserve it for everything that I have put you through on this journey to what we are becoming, even if it doesn’t work out you need the closure in fact you deserve it so much more than me and I am willing to sacrifice my closure if that means that you will get a little bit more closure than the larger portion which I both deserve and do not deserve. I am glad we made it this far and I am proud of myself for trying even though I know you have put in some effort too. It’s just that my efforts seem greater and tend to piss you off, and that’s what I’m trying my best to work around. I have told you the truth and I want the best for you. It is more important for me to know that you understand this about my feelings towards you than anything else. My thoughts are mine and I control them. And even if you don’t reply to me, I promise I will be working on my issues one way or another, because I am on the process of changing to a new and better version of myself one way or another.
I wish you the best,
XXXXXXXX
