The X-Files (1993) - Review & Commentary

Season 1 - Episode 1 (Pilot)

Never really watched the X-Files... I remember watching ONE episode, many years ago. Other than that, never seen it. So... I will now watch and review the pilot episode.


It starts out with a nightgown clad bitch running through the woods in the dark.

0:56 suddenly stuff gets all bright, the wind's stirring and there's a mechanical sound accompanying what could be a... UFOOOOOO?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!!?!?

1:03 a dude starts walking toward her out of the bright noisy clusterfuck taking place in the woods in front of her.

1:10 guy's glowing, doesn't look solid, he's standing over her as she's laying on the ground with a miniature tornado apparently surrounding them.

1:25 and now it's daytime and she's laying on the ground facedown lookin' like this shit done went all wrong.

1:35 uh oh, she's a stiff. It says this is Collum National Forest, NW Oregon. Reminds me of Missing411 and the disappearances going on in the national forests...

1:46 ugh dude this would be a seriously nasty job. She doesn't look that bad though, it's kind of unrealistic but whatever.

1:56 this old dude is pretty damn fucking fine if I may say so myself.

2:06 "It's happening again isn't it?!" Oooh, intriguing. I guess.

2:20 and now here we are at the FBI HQ and I would assume we're about to meet Dana and Scully or whatever the fuck their names are.

2:33 oh that's just her name.

4:00 she's a good actress.

6:40 she's certainly a hottie but we already knew that. What's his nuts isn't so bad himself.

8:50 ah FFS.

9:02 I like Fox! Cool as a cucumber, that was pretty sexy. I'd wanna bang pretty hard after that.

10:46 ahhh that's a little ridiculous don't you think?

12:20 uuuuhhh, suspicious much?

God... special agents turn me the fuck on so hard. What's a girl gotta do to get laid by a cop or an agent? 

13:10 that looks like a very warm suit jacket.

14:02 oh shit. LOL!!!

LOOOOL. I'm sorry but... you gotta laugh about something like that.

14:36 well that would put a hamper on my horny for a hot minute... we'll get back to it later though! Trrrust me!

15:55 so what are the conclusions they come up with on this show? Does it always turn out to be explained by something rational? *hmmm*

16:06 see shows like this are always what taint the water though... the "gray metallic implant" thing, well that all started with this fucking show popularizing it and then all the fruitloops out there started to believe THEY had implants. Sigh. 

18:55 where the fuck is she going?

20:45 man you know what, I need a damn compass!

21:55 oh shit!

22:30 this scene has only served to make things less interesting in my honest opinion.

23:40 I buy her explanation.

24:45 missing time... I have story about that:

26:12 shook. Woke. One of life's before and after moments... it's on.

26:55 oh. Well. Time to bang.

27:25 OMG that's awful!

32:10 wow!

33:45 I'm not saying it's not a good show... it's ONE episode, and a PILOT no less! But... not insane about it so far. I mean... the main characters Danana and Foxy Sculder are great. But there are aspects of this specific plot/story that are just meh. Just really meh.

If I could describe this episode with an entirely fabricated terminology of my own invention, I would say it's...

Mehtastic. An invigorating mix of meh, and fantastic.

I think all that even makes this episode GOOD is the POTENTIAL that it suggests about what the rest of the series could be.
Season 1 - Episode 2 - "Deep Throat"

Man the intro is a tad cheeseball isn't it?? Those opening credits??

I dunno how into the X-Files I really am.

2:30 Duchovny is very handsome and whatnot but... is that enough for me?? Not really.

5:11 "What!?" LMFAOOOOOOOO.

Is it me or is the acting sometimes a little bit...

Ah fuck it, never mind.

7:02 LOL @ the FBI's own phones being tapped.

12:40 oh man I'm sorry but... it's just not that interesting.

19:17 LOL I love Mulder's reaction to that, my feels exactly.

Gillian Anderson is definitely better at acting than David Duchovny is...

Not saying Duchovny totally sucks, absolutely not. But she is better.

24:50 best part of this episode though... took a while to get at all interesting.

31:00 so when do these two start bangin'?

36:30 I like Scully... this is a great show for sure.

41:55 can't blame her... plus she did her best to save her partner, so. She's right.

42:55 LOL I wonder how many people this show inspired to go into the FBI.
Season 1 - Episode 3 - "Squeeze"

1:50 what the hell is stalking this guy?? I feel bad for him. He seems really nice. He was really nice to his wife.

2:15 uh oh, that's a people hand.

2:36 that sounds like it got ugly.

3:10 how did they reverse screw it in??? Is that even possible?? Is there a tool for that??

5:30 this is spooky.

Is this episode about a werewolf? LOL... as I watch this I notice Supernatural lifted some inspiration from this show.

7:30 LOL Mulder would be a total troll on the internet.

8:30 it's gotta be a shapeshifter then.

Since X-Files came first, I'm guessing whatever the storyline is, they did it better than Supernatural did.

20:00 so he is a shapeshifter.

25:29 "So what is this, the anti-Waltons?" Oh. My. God. You have got to be fucking kidding me. After all the writing I've been doing about Richard "John-Boy" Thomas lately, and he just randomly fucking says this??

You just can't make this shit up...

That's about enough internet for one day.

31:30 I can appreciate the warm tone of the flashlights, it's better than some white/blue toned shit. They're very dim though.

32:55 see, it's a shapeshifter, Supernatural basically totally jacked these storylines.

I mean, it's fine, there's nothing new under the sun. But I'm just saying.
One of the greatest shows ever! I'm currently stalled out at the beginning
of season 7. I find it easier sometimes to take breaks when binge watching
an entire series.

Burnout sets in after a couple seasons or so. At least with the longer seasoned
shows, 20 - 24 episodes. Yowza. I'm more of a 13 episode season kinda guy, haha.
I got up to season 13 of Supernatural before I was just like... agh, fuck it, you know what, I can't do this anymore. LMFAOOO.

I will absolutely finish watching it at some point, but I'm just saying... DAMN.

I think it was Mary coming back from the dead that truly caused the shark jump.

Regardless... anyways. I will see if I can make it further into the X-Files, I have been told it grows on you, so... shrug.
Season 1 - Episode 4 - "Conduit"

0:26 oh this episode isn't starting off creepy at all.

1:00 OMG it's an earthquake with bright lights!

2:10 the X-Files theme song is great though.

Not crazy about the opening credits sequence, but the theme is iconic.

"THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE"... I mean I guess it's kind of charming in its lo-fi nature. I do like lo-fi.

4:30 Gillian Anderson is... fucking mystifying. So there's that.

6:51 Foxy Mulder DOES make me wanna get banged super hard though. Then again, what doesn't?

8:30 sweet Foxy and his heart of gold.

11:00 so he's writing down binary like that chick in that episode of The Outer Limits ("The Message") that I watched the other day: It was a 1995 episode, so this episode of X-Files came first.

12:45 wow that Sheriff is a real cuntbucket.

18:30 I'd totally let '90s David Duchovny fuck me.

27:40 Mulder really is growing on me.

39:00 how are these two not banging super hard by now??

Seriously, when do they spark up a romance?? I know it's gotta happen sometime.

40:20 facepalm... I don't like this kind of shit.

40:50 he's right... this lady's just a cunt.

41:45 I love Mulder. He's very likable.

This episode ends with that iconic line...

"I want to believe."
I Want To Believe
No BS though I low key teared up at the end of that episode when he said it. Not even gonna front.
Season 1 - Episode 5 - "Jersey Devil"

This one sounds pretty stupid.

I'd skip episodes but...

I don't want to miss anything and I don't like doing things half-assed when it comes to reviewing shows.

When it's a classic series like this, I want to review every single episode IN ORDER.

1:18 LMAO come ON, how were we not supposed to laugh at that???

I'm reviewing every episode, regardless of how little I might have to say about it.

Like this particular story for example... zero interest in it. Could not care less about these kinda "mystery killer in the woods" stories.

So when it comes to episodes like this, THE ONLY redeeming value it's going to have IS Scully and Mulder. That's it.

4:34 "homeless man"... just when my interest is at its lowest, they have to go and say the magic words that perk my ears up every time!!!!!!!! I have a thing for homeless dudes!!!!!??!!!! *nanarub*

4:42 "Relative to whom?" oh man, people who say "whom"... *shakes head*

6:42 Scully is a medical doctor eh? She must have started at it young.

9:40 I like this ranger guy.

13:28 oh I don't like the looks of this guy! What're they gonna try to set Scully up with him??

16:40 yet another hobo hottie!!!!!!!!!

17:28 LMAO now Mulder's moonlighting as a homeless guy!

23:13 great, she has a date... *cringe*

26:28 borrrriiiiiinnnnnngggggggg.

28:30 so he's saying a chick Bigfoot killed her Bigfoot husband!?!?!

35:45 close encounters of the Bigfoot kind!?

36:30 it just looks like a feral to me.

42:24 agh, man did it HAVE to be Cirque du Soleil??? ANYTHING ELSE I could say no to. Regardless, this guy sucks and is boring compared to Mulder. I'd NEVER want to be with anyone besides Mulder.
(10-26-2019, 01:40 AM)Mister Obvious Wrote: 39:00 how are these two not banging super hard by now??

Scully being a strong, independent woman.

She's also fond of wearing those Hillary pants suits.
Hands Up!  Panties Down!
The X Files is a great show!!! Hang in there if you aren’t hooked yet. I would love to read your analysis of it.
(10-26-2019, 05:40 AM)Dark Dick Wrote: Scully being a strong, independent woman.

She's also fond of wearing those Hillary pants suits.


I don't interpret her as one of those hardcore "independent women" type of fuckers yet...

I hope they don't go there with it, I'll be offput.

She seems just soft enough to me...

She blew that dude AND Cirque du Soleil off for Mulder, so I think this is pretty serious.

She ain't stupid, she knows which side her bread is buttered on.
I can't really go into a lot of details...

But I've come to the conclusion that I don't WANT to watch the X-Files...

I NEED to watch the X-Files...

To see how much of my life has been a fucking lie perpetuated by the subjects discussed on this show.
X-Files introduced an entire generation to all those conspiracy theories.
Hands Up!  Panties Down!
I guess there's nothing new under the sun...

'In Search Of' etc. did kind of touch on the same kinda stuff...

I mean it's been going on way before the X-Files I guess...

But the X-Files popularized it more than it's ever been and that must have been on purpose.
They were probably prepping for Project Blue Beam, then decided to go with the Global War On Terror to create all those Private Military Companies to take over after SJW's/Left Wing Loons create a Civil War.

Also, a spinoff from X-Files called "The Lone Gunmen" with the three Conspiracy Theorists that Mulder consults with predicted the September 11th Attacks.
Hands Up!  Panties Down!

LOL... The "Pilot" Episode.
Hands Up!  Panties Down!
(10-26-2019, 04:55 PM)Dark Dick Wrote: Also, a spinoff from X-Files called "The Lone Gunmen" with the three Conspiracy Theorists that Mulder consults with predicted the September 11th Attacks.

(10-26-2019, 04:57 PM)Dark Dick Wrote:

LOL... The "Pilot" Episode.


If it's ALL so planned and played out to such a degree...

I see no reason to even incorporate society and 'the system' into our lives at all.

Nothing is real besides our own individual, immediate realities.

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