I can't sleep and I'm feeling sorry for myself

[GG]

I'm not usually in a downer mood, and honestly I don't really think I am now. I'm just so tired. Been up all day and night almost. I just want to type crap and throw it up on the wall. There's no meaning to this thread or anything in it. I'm not asking for anything or wanting any sympathy. I've got people who love me and I have a good life. I'm pretty happy and carefree usually.

I miss my friend Liz still and it's been like a year a half since she shut me out of all contact - after a minor argument. It doesn't make sense to me, but I know things are never one sided. It just hurts. Still.

I'm totally broke.. and not like in just the saying, I mean dead-ass broke. Less than $20 dollars total, about 60 miles worth of gas in the car and no income for about a month. 

My website domains all expire on 1/10. I'm afraid to even look at my internet bill... and credit cards maxed.

Still, I have all I need. I have food and a place to stay. It's not the fucking end of the world. I even have a free cell phone now. I did get a job and I start on the week of the 15th next month, when I go to Illinois for a few days of training.

I had to take my dog to the vet last night, which is super stressful for him and thus, for me. I started to pass out while there even. I was a mess. He's fine though... and I spent almost 800.00 for nothing.

I know it sounds like I'm bitching and moaning, but I just want to type. I want to vent. 

So I'm very comfortable in my room and in bed. A  few days ago I figured out how to cast youtube to my tv, so its WAY fucking easier to watch videos. I can just type and search on the phone instead of using the fucked up arrow to find each letter to input shit on the tv from the remote. So now I can let some classical music, or rain sounds, or whatever play as I doze off. I have some candles lit and its so peaceful. 

But really, I guess I'm a little worried about how I'm going to pay my bills for now. Above that, I miss Liz so much. When she cut me off from contact it felt like she died. The shit part is that she's not dead (lol... not like that) and she's only a few miles or a phone call away, but she won't call me. I wonder if she ever even thinks of me, or wonders how I've been? We saw each other at least 5 days a week for 9 years, and it kind of bewilders me how she could just toss me aside. Like I said though, there's at least two sides to everything. I don't blame her for anything. She feels whatever she feels and that's that.

I wish I was young again. I feel young and look young, but it's different when you're mid-50's and alone. All of your friends are LONG married and have their own families. When your young, like in your twenties or even thirties, the friends circle is so vibrant... and so there all the time. Shit was always going on with someone. Now it's different, and not necessarily in a bad way... but I sometimes miss just going off and doing goofy stuff at the drop of a hat. Like... hey, lets get drunk and then end up driving at 2 in the morning to Vegas. haha!

I have so many interests and hobbies. I love music, photography and just going to the beach alone in the winter to watch the waves. 

Is this getting boring yet? haha. Fuck. 

I need to go pee in a cup by the 31st. Drug test. The place is like a block away and open 24 hours. I just have to get it done by 5pm on the 31st. I want to take one of my pain pills but I don't want to fuck up anything. I have the pain pills from when I broke my collarbone last year. The fuckers at teh emergency room didn't send  me home with anything and I didn't get them until 4 days later... and christ was I in PAIN. But I didn't use them. I got sick on my birthday, which was Dec 22nd, and I took one because my head was killing me and I just wanted to sleep. 

So I guess that about does it for my blog. lol.

I'm going to try to sleep now. 4:01 am.

Bye.

[Guest]

I'm in the same boat, sugar.

Domain names and hosting expire next month.

Two months behind in my car payment and insurance payment. Car registration expired last month.

Almost lost everything I own this month due to being unable to pay rent on my storage unit in another state. Thank God for Christmas money. It's due again on the 4th, so I may lose it all anyway. No way to pay someone to help me get it out.

Maxed out credit card, checking account overdrawn, less than $6 in cash, another $6 on a gas card, maybe 3 days of food left if I stretch it.

Already peed in a cup and did orientation for a job that's supposed to start any day now. Hopefully it'll start up right after New Year's.

All I can say is hang in there, kiddo. 2019 is bound to be better than the steaming pile of dog shit 2018 was.

[Guest]

I just want to say that there are kids dying in third world countries because of malnutrition or lack of safety. 


also if you let entitled employers know about this it might trigger them to mistreat you

oh blessed be wild american girls and their boobies!!!

i too went to sleep at 4:04 
after i drank warm hot chocolate 
in my warm couch

[GG]

I just want to say that there are kids dying in third world countries because of malnutrition or lack of safety. 


also if you let entitled employers know about this it might trigger them to mistreat you

oh blessed be wild american girls and their boobies!!!

i too went to sleep at 4:04 
after i drank warm hot chocolate 
in my warm couch

Oh, I know. I feel blessed. 

Doesn't mean I don't get down and stressed out. I just wanted to type and express myself, not try to make people feel sorry for me. My feelings are just as real and valid as anyone elses.

[Mister Obvious]

I have to say GG, first of all, there is a lot of value and wisdom in your post.

It's not common you see people who can put their worries into a form that is actually helpful and useful for other people.

You're giving of yourself at the same time as expressing what's weighing on you...

Because I think it comes naturally to you to be that way.

I just really value and respect that.

I don't know what to say about your friend, because I don't know that I've ever had a friendship like that with anybody. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. I'm just not very attached to people. I'm sure your friend does think of you though, I don't know how she couldn't.

The most important thing is that you have a place to live. This is one main reason why I think it's so important that everyone at least owns a vehicle (nothing that can be repossessed). As long is there is SOME TYPE of roof over your head, a vehicle, and somewhere to park it, then things are automatically better than the alternative (not having that).

I'm just so grateful that you have a job lined up. It's going to make you feel good for a lot of reasons.

The real truth of the matter is, we may lose anything which is outside of ourselves, but we will always have ourselves. A lot of people can't stand the idea of that. A lot of people have to have an intricate selection of distractions and can't imagine themselves without those distractions. Sometimes, life takes us to a space where we are brought back to the basics. Sometimes life grounds us entirely. I think the reason is that from that viewpoint, you're able to really focus on those things that mean the most to you. When you get back into the game, your methods are much more refined.

And then there are times when life direction just changes entirely. I'd say you could be on the precipice of such a change. You may discover places, people, or any variety of other activities or hobbies which make you decide that you want to change everything. I don't know, I just feel like this is really possible.

You're really beautiful, GG. I mean inside and out... I'm not talking about some superficial crap. You are TRULY beautiful.

And I just want to say specifically on the topic of the internet and forums... there are nasty personalities out there (hosted within very few people, I'd say perhaps even 1 or 2 people) who become fixated on and like to target certain other personalities. These are very ugly (in word and deed) people who have been doing what they do for a great many years. You absolutely should not take any of it personally. I feel bad for people who come along and are targeted by such personalities... and you are by no means "new". So consider the scope of what I'm saying, this is a huge timeframe... before you even came along, "these people" have been doing this.

Anyways babe... hold onto yourself. You are your most prized possession (there is nothing greater attainable). As long as you have yourself, you've got plenty of rays of hope and trails of light to follow. You WILL be okay. Never cease to see yourself in a light of appreciation (the way I see you, and other people see you). You are rich. Wealthy. Take comfort within yourself and understand that all you need is to nurture that love/appreciation for yourself.

I love you so much, GG.

[Guest]

Oh, I know. I feel blessed. 

Doesn't mean I don't get down and stressed out. I just wanted to type and express myself, not try to make people feel sorry for me. My feelings are just as real and valid as anyone elses.

[GG]

I have to say GG, first of all, there is a lot of value and wisdom in your post.

It's not common you see people who can put their worries into a form that is actually helpful and useful for other people.

You're giving of yourself at the same time as expressing what's weighing on you...

Because I think it comes naturally to you to be that way.

I just really value and respect that.

I don't know what to say about your friend, because I don't know that I've ever had a friendship like that with anybody.  I know that sounds weird, but it's true. I'm just not very attached to people. I'm sure your friend does think of you though, I don't know how she couldn't.

The most important thing is that you have a place to live. This is one main reason why I think it's so important that everyone at least owns a vehicle (nothing that can be repossessed). As long is there is SOME TYPE of roof over your head, a vehicle, and somewhere to park it, then things are automatically better than the alternative (not having that).

I'm just so grateful that you have a job lined up. It's going to make you feel good for a lot of reasons.

The real truth of the matter is, we may lose anything which is outside of ourselves, but we will always have ourselves. A lot of people can't stand the idea of that. A lot of people have to have an intricate selection of distractions and can't imagine themselves without those distractions. Sometimes, life takes us to a space where we are brought back to the basics. Sometimes life grounds us entirely. I think the reason is that from that viewpoint, you're able to really focus on those things that mean the most to you. When you get back into the game, your methods are much more refined.

And then there are times when life direction just changes entirely. I'd say you could be on the precipice of such a change. You may discover places, people, or any variety of other activities or hobbies which make you decide that you want to change everything. I don't know, I just feel like this is really possible.

You're really beautiful, GG. I mean inside and out... I'm not talking about some superficial crap. You are TRULY beautiful.

And I just want to say specifically on the topic of the internet and forums... there are nasty personalities out there (hosted within very few people, I'd say perhaps even 1 or 2 people) who become fixated on and like to target certain other personalities. These are very ugly (in word and deed) people who have been doing what they do for a great many years. You absolutely should not take any of it personally. I feel bad for people who come along and are targeted by such personalities... and you are by no means "new". So consider the scope of what I'm saying, this is a huge timeframe... before you even came along, "these people" have been doing this.

Anyways babe... hold onto yourself. You are your most prized possession (there is nothing greater attainable). As long as you have yourself, you've got plenty of rays of hope and trails of light to follow. You WILL be okay. Never cease to see yourself in a light of appreciation (the way I see you, and other people see you). You are rich. Wealthy. Take comfort within yourself and understand that all you need is to nurture that love/appreciation for yourself.

I love you so much, GG.

I've always felt a connection with you Trix. I love that you always seem to take the time to respond so genuinely to mt texts and posts... it shows that you really care and mean what you say. You are just such a great person, and I love you!

Thank you. You have always lifted me up and encouraged me. 

You've always seemed to wise beyond your years. You must have an old soul. You're always dead-on right about things too. 

It's so true.... just having a vehicle is security. I'm never afraid of how I'll get by. It might not be fun...because I'm a very private person, but I could totally survive living out of my car if I had to. Being in California... I mean, really??  The weather is always nice, so I wouldn't be freezing..  and there's lots of support and good people here. I'd totally get by.

When I typed all of that I really just wanted to vent a little. I'm guessing you might be a little like me, and don't really have people in your daily life that you can just vent to. Sometimes it feels good just to write thoughts out as they come, unfiltered, even if no one is gong to read them. I figured I'd do that but also have people read them. I even copied what I posted here and posted it on my FB page. I think being vulnerable and real allows people to really connect. I'm not ashamed of anything about myself. We're all just human and we are all in need of love and acceptance. There's no shame in reaching out or telling people how you feel.

I decide to go get my drug test tonight, and I passed. Since I hurt my back... or actually my hip I think last night trying to carry my dog, I wanted to take a pain pill. I took half of one and boy, I feel great right now. lol. 

So I wanted to thank you for always being so kind to me. I really do love you, Trix. One day I hope we can meet for a low-key hangout and pillow fight!

Take care sweetie. I'm fine and all is good.

<3

[somethingelseishere]

I don't really have anything profound to add, GG, you seem to have a pretty good handle on things.
I do wish you all the best though. Hope things continue to improve for you going forward.