All Time Favorite Figure Skaters

[Mister Obvious]

Marriage is fucking retarded and so is having kids.

[Mister Obvious]

Marriage is a bad idea, super dumb, but the having kids part... whole other level of reprehensibly stupid.

[Mister Obvious]

But then again...

These figure skaters are some of the fittest most smokin' hot people ON THE PLANETTTT.

Get 'em in the room together, put that much hotness together, and I mean...

Praise God they're mating with each other actually.

I take it all back, fine.

But I still wish they'd wait til they're older.

[Mister Obvious]

In fact, you know what, let me take it a step further...

These hotass figure skaters should be the only people who are allowed to reproduce from now on.

[Mister Obvious]

We've already got the genius sperm bank...

Now we need the figure skater sperm bank.

[Mister Obvious]

And I'ma say this...

Elon needs to be fucking banned from making any more donations to the genius sperm bank cuz I'm not even sure he ever qualified in the first place.

We're over the geniuses. From this point forward we're only taking figure skaters.

[Mister Obvious]

Yuzuru Hanyu kisses the 2022 Olympic ice goodbye.

[Mister Obvious]

Fucking unbelievable man...

No one is ever gonna be as good as Yuzuru, that's just the bottom line.

They might pull a 4A at the Olympics, but they'll never be this guy.

[Mister Obvious]

Imagine seeing this in real life.

[Mister Obvious]

I dunno why anyone would fuck with ballet when they could just be a figure skater instead.

You guys know I fucking hate ballet.

Tragically, it's far more accessible than figure skating.

[Mister Obvious]

I'm sure figure skating coaches can probably be pretty abusive too, but everyone knows ballet trainers take the cake.

Puberty and developing curves are the enemy to girls who practice ballet, high rates of anorexia etc.

It doesn't take a genius to see that ballet was invented by perverts for other perverts to enjoy.

[Mister Obvious]

[Mister Obvious]

4:13 "We want to wear the place, the time, and the air."

Daaayuuummm...

[Mister Obvious]

OT but apparently iPads are like really popular in Japan...

[Mister Obvious]

God man...

The Japanese are so much smarter than Americans.

It really sucks that we're not more like them.

I think we all really got screwed.

[Mister Obvious]

We should all be Japanese.

[Mister Obvious]

I gotta say though, Ilia is definitely giving me Oksana Baiul vibes with some of his stylistic choices.

He does have the same type of edginess as she did. Skating to weird music with props like genie bottles and masks, I mean...

There are some similarities, and those similarities do point to massive victory in the future.

But my question is...

What the fuck are they gonna do after Ilia?

If Mr. friggen "My career is over at 25 because I did a bunch of ridiculous shit" Quad God extraordinaire comes out and smashes the Olympics to bits...

How do you follow that?? How exactly does that ever get topped??

It's outta hand.

It's like a market that is headed for a crash.

[Mister Obvious]

Ilia should do nothing but inspire awe and wonder.

But to me, his stunts mark the end of something that...

REALLY, really needs to end.

Lol. There's nowhere to go from here.

This no outperforming this.

You can't go to the next level, there is no next level.

There's only so much that is humanly possible.

[Mister Obvious]

Oh my God, that video opens up with the commentator saying, "Getting close to the end"...

I hadn't even pushed play on it when I posted it, cuz I just figured it'd be some crazy shit by the thumbnail alone...

[Mister Obvious]

Wuuuuuut.