Scenes, skits and silly musings
#21
Poor Chick. We do put her through it, don't we? lol


"The Winner's Circle"

Today, we have her, yep, she's going back in! 

HNOC: *walks into boss's office, sees homeless-people-shopping-cart-races*
Boss: *runs over to Chick, fist full of singles*
HNOC: "I'm sure people have gone to Hell for FAR less!"
Boss: "Duuude, WAAAY better than ANY dice game!"
HNOC: "You're a Monster."
Boss: "You want in on this sweet action?"
HNOC: "Do you even know how wrong this is?"
Boss: "See, the losers have to ride IN the carts! It's brilliant!"

Chick can't even. Not even a little.

HNOC: "Would it do any good to ask? Why in GOD'S name would you even do this?"
Boss: "It's raining."
HNOC: "Aaaand?"
Boss: "Well if we were outside, everybody'd get wet. So doing it in here keeps us all dry. Duh."
HNOC: "Oh my God..."
Boss: "I'm a humanitarian. Always for the little guy!"
HNOC: "There's uh, No... NO... No, No, NO!"
Boss: "You in or out??"
HNOC: *clears throat angrily*
Boss: "Gotta get back to it, my guy's winning!!" *excited*

Chick walks out, closing the door.

HNOC: *yells to the entire outer office* "Can somebody padlock this door, from the outside??"
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#22
Poor Chick, going back in...

Boss: "Let's rob a bank!"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*


Boss: *holding up a PVC gimp suit* "Can you try this on?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*


Boss: "Hey, you think testicles ever get jealous of each other?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*


Boss: *splashing in a kiddie-pool singing 'You Are My Sunshine" wearing only a speed-o*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*


Boss: *running across the office in a giant, clear hamster ball*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
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#23
Boss: *holding up autopsy photos of both parents* "Do I look more like my Mom, or my Dad?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*


Boss: "You think those elves ever plot to kill Santa? 
I mean, those are some pretty fucked up working conditions!"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*


Boss: *holds up both hands, closed* "Which one!!"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*

Boss: "You think arson is just sexual frustration?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*


Boss: "You ever try to pee standing up?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*


Boss: *doing the Flashdance routine with "She's A Maniac" blasting loud*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
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#24
Chick is back at it, fighting the good fight.


"Jabba The What??"

HNOC: *enters the office*

Boss is sitting on a huge gaudy, plastic throne dressed like the Burger King mascot.
He is flanked by two very sexy young ladies in Princess Leia outfits. The skimpy ones.
They are fanning him with massive palm fronds.

HNOC: *just stares*
Boss: "AC's on the blink."
HNOC: *keeps staring*
Boss: "You need something?"
HNOC: *proceeds forward* "I know this stopped being an office a LONG time ago, but..."
Boss: "Hell you talkin' about? This is still an office, look around..."
HNOC: "NO! No it is not! It is a disgusting, filthy den of iniquity!"
Boss: *furrows brow, ladies stop fanning*
HNOC: "And it turns my stomach to even come in here!"
Boss: *stands and walks over to Chick*
HNOC: "Why do you even bother coming in anymore? Really, I'd love to know!!"
Boss: *puts his arm around her and walks her to the far side of the office*
HNOC: "This just keeps getting more and more ridiculous and I just..."
Boss: "Hey, take it easy, I just want to talk."
HNOC: *stares at him*
Boss: "Things haven't been so great for the ol' Boss lately and..."
HNOC: "Sinking further into this depravity isn't helping anyth..."
Boss: "I just need to get my head together and keep things low-impact for a while."
HNOC: *looks over in the corner and sees a sleeping bag, cot and two pillows*
HNOC: "You've been sleeping here?"
Boss: *sigh* "Like I said, it's been a bit rough lately..."
HNOC: "OK, well, is there anything I can do?"
Boss: *looks over at Chick with so much genuine emotion*
HNOC: *stares back*
Boss: "I got another Leia outfit, you wanna try it on?"
HNOC: *blows up* "Oh my God, are you fucking serious? Dude, fucking A, you need HELP!"
Boss: "I don't have a third palm frond but I'm sure we can find something..."

Chick storms out in a huff. Boss returns to his throne.

Boss: "Ladies..."

They go back to fanning the morally, emotionally bankrupt Boss.
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#25
Chick once again finds her boss being a retard...


"Terminus Retardus"

HNOC: *walks by office, smells something very strange, worried, enters*

Chick opens the door to a thick cloud of marijuana smoke.

HNOC: *slams door quickly* "Are you out of your mind??"
Boss: *taking a rip from a water bong, sobbing like a baby*
HNOC: "You've really gone too far this time! What the fuck are you even thinking??"
Boss: *tries to talk through the tears* "I'm dying, Chick, dyyyyinnng!!" *more sobbing*
HNOC: "What the Hell are you talking about?"
Boss: *points to print out on desk*
HNOC: *reaches for the paper and reads it*
Boss: "I went to my doctor last week for a check-up, said he'd email the results"
HNOC: *continues reading paper, now seeing the big picture*
Boss: "I got that today, printed it off..." *sobs*
HNOC: *begins shaking her head*
Boss: "It's the Cancer! They say I got the Cancer!!" *takes another rip and sobs some more*
HNOC: "You know what? I don't even know how to tell you this..."
Boss: "Oooh God, is it pancreatic?? OOOH JESUS, that's the worst kind!!"
HNOC: *really re-thinking her life choices*
Boss: "I don't know how long I got but I want you to have..."
HNOC: "DUMBASS, will you just listen a minute??"
Boss: *sobbing slows, he catches his breath* "What? What is it?"
HNOC: "You printed off your medical results??"
Boss: "Yeah, from my doctor..."
HNOC: "This is an ASTROLOGY report..."
Boss: "Whaaat?"
HNOC: "Astrology... zodiac signs?"
Boss: "So... ?"
HNOC: "So, moron, this doesn't say you HAVE Cancer, it says you ARE a Cancer, and they're not wrong!!"
Boss: *very high, not putting it together right away*
HNOC: "You're not dying of anything! Except terminal dumbfuckitis!"
Boss: "So, I'm not dying? I don't have the Big Casino??"
HNOC: "No, dipshit, you don't!"

Boss is extremely relieved. He jumps from his seat and chest-bumps the air several times.

HNOC: "Hey, hey, HEY!!"
Boss: "What? I'm HAPPY, I'm not dying!"
HNOC: "Hold that thought.."

The door swings open, it's Brenda, the head at HR. She's waving her hands to bat away the weed smoke.

Boss: "Oooooh... hey, Bren... how ya doin?"

HNOC: *to Brenda* "As pathetic as this is, I think it was actually an honest mistake. But, do what ya gotta do!"

Chick hands her the paper and walks out with a huge smile on her face.
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#26
"The Big Ask"

Chick walks into her boss's office... again!

Boss: "So, the new guy, he's gay right?"
HNOC: "Oh dear God..."
Boss: "Come on, is he?"
HNOC: "Let's see, oh I know, why don't you ask him?"
Boss: "I can't do that!"
HNOC: "EXACTLY! So just stop it, Jeeezus!"
Boss: "But, maaaybe..." *looks at Chick with the eyes*
HNOC: "Oh no, NO! Absolutely NOT! No, just stop already!"
Boss: "I wasn't gonna have you ask him, jeez, get a grip!"
HNOC: *outraged by irony* "So what then? Oh mighty leader!" *sarcasm*
Boss: "I want you to check that gay website. Ya know, the dating one?"
HNOC: "You cannot be serious?"
Boss: "Yeah, just a quick clicky-click, in and out, done!"
HNOC: "If you want to know so bad, why don't You do it?"
Boss: "I can't have that in my browsing history!"
HNOC: *sighs* "You openly watch Japanese midget Furry porn, WITH YOUR DOOR OPEN. 
Volume at full-blast. Laughing. Cursing. I think you can do a little bit of Grindr recon.
Boss: "Mmmm, sounds fishy. I dunno. I don't like it."
HNOC: "Then maybe just go back to work and stop worrying about things that DO NOT CONCERN YOU!"
Boss: "But I gotta know? Ya know? Like when you pass an old lady in the store and that little inner
voice tells you "Yeah, that bitch is lactose intolerant! For! Shore!"? But then again, how can you really know?
HNOC: "And again, I've completely forgotten why I even came in here. Oh yes, I QUIT!"
Boss: "Baaaaaabe, Chickie sweetness?? Don't be like that!

Chick leaves his office, this time... hopefully forever... *not really, lol*


Boss: *goes back to watching his Japanese Ewok fantasy, whatever...*
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#27
"The Symphony"

Chick opens her boss's door to find yet another diabolically retarded scenario, already in progress.

HNOC: *sighs*
Boss: *standing in a fancy conductors outfit, leading an orchestra.... of monkeys.
Boss: "Hey! We were just warming up!"
HNOC: *sighs an 'Ooooh my God' under her breath*
Boss: "Pull up a chair, we're about to get cookin!"

Chick approaches the mass of primates, kind of amazed, in a weird sort of way*

Boss: "Cute, aint they?"
HNOC: "How did you get them to stay in their seats?"
Boss: "Velcro."
HNOC: "Oh God, Animal Cruelty on Line One!!"
Boss: "What? It's harmless!"
HNOC: "I'm not so sure PETA will see it that way!"
Boss: "Oooh Fuck them! Buncha arm-chair terrorists. Slacking hipsters on daddy's dime!"
HNOC: Seriously, you could get arrested for this!"
Boss: "What? I'm feeding them!" *pulls up huge sack of peanuts from beside his desk*
HNOC: "Uuh, I don't think they... nevermind. Jesus God help me, nevermind..."
Boss: "Always with the worry!"
HNOC: "Didn't your wife have you arrested once?"
Boss: "Ex... wife."
HNOC: "Oh, I'm sorry, I had..."
Boss: "It was six months ago, no big deal."
HNOC: "Ooookaaay... but didn't she?"
Boss: "No charges."
HNOC: "How'd that work?"
Boss: "They can't arrest a man for doing work on his own house!"
HNOC: "Aaaah, it's all coming back to me now."
Boss: "I was well within my rights!"
HNOC: "Wasn't that the time you tried wrapping your entire house in mylar? To make it look 
like a big huge pot of Jiffy-Pop, for Halloween."
Boss: "She never had ANY vision!"
HNOC: "It was June!"
Boss: "I didn't know how long it would take! I was thinkin' about the kids!"
HNOC: *shakes her head, notices a foul odor in the air now* "Oh my God, what is that??"
Boss: "I dunno... oh God, wheeew, that's stout!!

Apparently, peanuts can give monkeys diarrhea. *not a medical fact*

HNOC: "Oooooh daaaamn, good luck with ALL that!!" *runs from the office*

Boss: "Why couldn't God have given pigs opposable thumbs??"
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#28
"Boss & Chick Chemistry"

Chick opens the door to Boss's office.

Boss: "Hurry up, come in and close the door!!"
HNOC: "That's never what an employee wants to hear!"
Boss: "Come here, quick!"
HNOC: *walks over to desk*
Boss: "I have a new adventure for us!" *proudly*
HNOC: "This sounds bad already!"
Boss: "Bad indeed!" *un-pauses video on computer screen*

The video begins to play an episode of Breaking Bad. An RV sits in the desert.

HNOC: "You wanna go camping?"
Boss: "NOOO, shhh-shhhh, just watch!"

Video now shows Walt & Jesse inside RV cooking methamphetamine.

HNOC: "Oh I don't believe this!"
Boss: "Keep watching!"
HNOC: "You've had some dumbass ideas before, but this really takes..."
Boss: *pauses video* "So you're content to live a life with NO excitement?"
HNOC: "YES! If it means staying out of prison and above ground!"
Boss: "So you don't think it could work?"
HNOC: "That's not the point!! Are you really this stupid??"
Boss: "But I wanna feel alive! Don't you?"
HNOC: "IT WAS A TV SHOW! And it ended very badly for ALL concerned!"
Boss: "I don't wanna die with regrets..."
HNOC: "But you're not dying!!"
Boss: "I had that cancer scare.."
HNOC: "IT WAS AN ASTROLOGY REPORT!!"
Boss: "It put things into perspective though..."
HNOC: "Dear God, how do you LIVE??"
Boss: "Walt has been a huge inspiration to me..."
HNOC: "You have NO business with access to the internet... or electricity... or other people!!"
Boss: "So, you won't be my Jesse?"
HNOC: "WE'RE NOT COOKING METH!!!"
Boss: "Jeezus, alright! God, I'm glad I didn't show you that clip from Game of Thrones!"


Chick storms out of Boss's office for the MILLIONTH time, lol.
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#29
"One Ring Short"

Chick enters, well, you know...

Boss: *riding unicycle through office*
HNOC: *stares*
Boss: "Oh, hey! What's up?"
HNOC: *continues staring*
Boss: "I'm joining the circus!!"
HNOC: "That's actually the most sensible thing I've ever heard you say." *super surprized*
Boss: *pedals backward, then forward*
HNOC: "Wow, you're actually not bad at that."
Boss: "Yeah, couple hours a day, it adds up!"
HNOC: "Explains a lot..."
Boss: "You know, I was thinking the other day, you should really start camming!"
HNOC: "Aaaand there it is!"
Boss: "Seriously, you got a great ass! Wait, where you goin??"

Chick does it again, the old exit dumbass's office routine.

Boss: "Way to take a compliment!" *continues cycling*
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#30
"The Inner Outer Limits"

Chick walks into Boss's office, finding him quite shaken, sitting on the floor.

HNOC: "Hey? What's the matter?"
Boss: *breathing hard* "I don't know what's happening..."
HNOC: "Oh my God, is it your heart? Do I need to call 9-1-1??"
Boss: "No... it's something else..."
HNOC: "Like what, are you dizzy? Seeing spots? What's goin' on?"
Boss: *starts to cry* "I don't even know anymore!!"
HNOC: *runs over, kneels down, hugs Boss*
Boss: "I think... I don't..."
HNOC: "What? You don't think what?"
Boss: "I don't think any of this is real!!"
HNOC: *looks over at desk, sees near empty plastic baggie*
Boss: *shakes while crying*
HNOC: "Oh God, did you come to work on mushrooms again?"
Boss: "Noo!"
HNOC: "Well what was in this baggie? Looks like tiny pieces of dried shrooms."
Boss: "I didn't!"
HNOC: "You must've!" *checks his pupils, fully dilated*
HNOC: "Aww God, I can't babysit you today, it's weekly reports day..."
Boss: "You don't understand!!"
HNOC: "Uh, yeah, I do..."
Boss: "NONE OF THIS IS REAL!!"
HNOC: *gets her phone out* "I'm calling you a cab, you're going home!"
Boss: "This is all a play, being written as we experience it!!"
HNOC: "Yeah, I know, the walls are melting, groovy colors maaan..." *sarcasm*
Boss: "NOOO, this is serious!!" *slaps phone from her hands*
HNOC: "HEY! I get that you're tripping balls right now, but don't get shitty!"
Boss: "Answer me this: Do YOU remember coming in today?"
HNOC: "Uh, yeah, I'm HERE!"
Boss: "NO! I mean, leaving your house and driving here, do you remember??"
HNOC: *thinks about it* "Well, not really. But, it's just auto-pilot. Routine, happens all the time."
Boss: "That's just what He wants us to think!!"
HNOC: "Who's He??"
Boss: "The sick fuck with a God-complex who's creating this reality as we speak!"
HNOC: "OK, NOW I'm taking you home myself..."
Boss: "Listen!! This is deeper and darker than you can even imagine!"
HNOC: *shakes head* "OK, alright... try me!"
Boss: "Look out the window, into the parking lot..."
HNOC: *looks out, sees parking lot* "Yeah, so. What about it?"
Boss: "Now just look out the window..."
HNOC: *does it* "OK... holy shit... what the fuck just happened?
Boss: "What is it??"
HNOC: "There's no parking lot. It's just blank white snow, like nothing's out there!"
Boss: "SEE?? It's because I didn't say parking lot, so it doesn't exist!!"
HNOC: "Wait, so you think YOU are creating all this?"
Boss: "NOOO! He didn't write the words parking lot for me to say, THAT'S why it wasn't there!"
HNOC: "OK, now you're scaring me..."
Boss: "As well you should be!"
HNOC: *looks back out, sees parking lot* "Hey, it's back!"
Boss: "Of course it is, He wrote the words again when I said them, THAT gave it Reality!"
HNOC: *very worried now... sits on floor beside Boss*
Boss: "Our entire World is the sick indulgence of a mad man!"
HNOC: "looks over to Boss*
Boss: "Watch this!" *whispers into Chick's ear*

They both sit and wait. Nothing happens.

Boss: "SEE??"
HNOC: "I don't know..."
Boss: "He didn't write what I whispered into your ear, therefore it couldn't happen!"
HNOC: "But you've been saying you were giving me a raise forever now!"
Boss: "And it STILL hasn't happened yet, has it??"
HNOC: "No."
Boss: "That's because He hasn't written it!!"
HNOC: "Ooorr, you could just be a cheap bastard?"
Boss: "I'm telling you, We are the imagination of a megalomaniacal control freak!!!"
HNOC: "Welp, that's enough crazy for today. I'm going now..."

Chick stands to leave the office.

HNOC: "Uuuh, where's the door?"
Boss: "I've already told you..."
HNOC: "Yeah, but I said DOOR!"
Boss: "Doesn't matter. He didn't write it in a way that it can exist for you to exit through."
HNOC: *plops back down onto floor next to Boss, begins crying*
Boss: "Believe me now?"
HNOC: "So how do we get out of here??"
Boss: "We don't... we don't..."


"Windows and doors, walls and floors, make up the boxes of our mind in The Outer Limits..."
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#31
"Life Changes"

Chick, Boss, office...

HNOC: "We're all out of coffee in the break..."
Boss: "You ever see a dead body?"
HNOC: "Room... "
Boss: "Well??"
HNOC: *takes a deep breath and thinks*
HNOC: "Actually, yes... my grammy."
Boss: "Did you kill her?"
HNOC: "I really wish I had a dick right now, so I could piss in your face!"
Boss: "I'm trying to be serious here..."
HNOC: "Oh you have NO idea..."
Boss: "Was she holding out on those fresh-baked cookies?"
HNOC: "I DID NOT KILL MY GRANDMOTHER! You sick, fuck!"
Boss: "Okaaay, damn, decaf yo!"
HNOC: "Uurrggh, why is it ALWAYS like this with YOU??"
Boss: "I have an inquisitive mind..."
HNOC: *double facepalms* 
Boss: "I was born with it..."
HNOC: "Are we doing anything on the coffe sitch??"
Boss: "So, you didn't whack dear ol' gran... how'd she go?"
HNOC: "Uh, natural causes?"
Boss: "Meaning?"
HNOC: "Well, she was 89, soooo I guess it was just her time?"
Boss: "Did you find her body?"
HNOC: "No, dumbass, she died in the hospital."
Boss: "And that's where you saw her?"
HNOC: "Yes, we were all there."
Boss: "Was it cool?"
HNOC: "God I hate you!"
Boss: "Just askin!
HNOC: "How in fuck's name can you ask someone if seeing their dead grandmother was cool??"
Boss: "I like to ask the hard questions..."
HNOC: "Really, go fuck yourself...."
Boss: "What? I'm like a journalist!"
HNOC: "Bastard..."

Chick makes her grand exit, UHgain.
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#32
"One Of Us"

Chick, doing what Chick does...

HNOC: "Patty needs to go pick her son up from school, he's feeling s..."
Boss: "I should've joined the mafia..."
HNOC: "Hellooo, Wednesday!"
Boss: "I think I could've really been something, Capo... maybe even Boss..."
HNOC: "But you're Boss here..."
Boss: "Jeezus, Chick, have you seen our quarterly??" 
HNOC: *quickly shakes head side-to-side*
Boss: "Going on missions, wearing those fancy suits, gettin' all those sexy ladies..." *puts hand up like a gun*
HNOC: "Uuuh, James Bond wasn't in the mafia, he was a spy..."
Boss: "Bond, schmond, guy was a pussy. And he's dead now. Fuck him."
HNOC: *twists up face* "Why, Lord, why??"
Boss: "You don't think I would've been a good mobster?"
HNOC: "Uh, well... I think there's more to it than that..."
Boss: "Like??"
HNOC: "Well, like... you kinda have to be Italian?"
Boss: "I eat at Alberto's three times a week! Those meatball subs? Que Bella!" *does the bunched-fingers kiss*
HNOC: "Yeeeaaah, I don't think that counts..."
Boss: "I love The Sopranos! I know every episode! "Eat this, cocksucka!!!"
HNOC: "Uh, still not a case..."
Boss: "You don't know what you're talkin about!"
HNOC: "Then why ask me?"
Boss: "Eeeeh, I don't know... you were the first person to come in here today."
HNOC: "I'm usually THE only person..."
Boss: "Yeah, it's weird... nobody else in the office ever comes in here... I wonder why?"
HNOC: "I have noooooo idea..." *heavy, HEAVY sarcasm*
Boss: "Oh well, nothing to be done about it now..."
HNOC: "Maybe you could join a gym?"
Boss: "And be around a buncha sweaty guys all day? No thanks, I ain't no fanook!"

Chick sees her exit.... SEVERAL lost minutes of her life later...
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#33
"Old Fashioned"

Here we go... lol

HNOC: "Did HR get a new coffee machine?"
Boss: "I'm joining a quilting club!"
HNOC: "Hey, that's ni... oooh no..."
Boss: "Yep, I'm gonna get my sew on!"
HNOC: "I should point out, I was being EXTREMELY sarcastic when I encouraged your GILF fetish."
Boss: "All that soft material... those nice old ladies... gray hair..."
HNOC: "Oh please God no..."
Boss: "Heeey, older ladies need lovin' too!"
HNOC: *wretches... twice*
Boss: "You'll be old one day..."
HNOC: "I actually lose sleep over what I see and hear in THIS office!!"
Boss: "I'm in your head, eh?"
HNOC: "In the worst possible ways..."
Boss: "Come ooon, admit it: You're crazy about me!"
HNOC: "No, I'm crazy BECAUSE of you. There's a difference!
Boss: "So what's a first date gift for a granny, Polident?"
HNOC: *wretches* "I'm NOT having this conversation!!"
Boss: "They're past their monthlies by that time in life, aren't they?"
HNOC: *wretches twice more, runs from office*
Boss: "Whaaat?? It's only natural!! All women do it... or did it..."

Chick is now in the ladies room, trying to figure it all out. 
And by that I mean she's throwing up. In the sink... lol
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#34
More of these, lol...


Boss: *leads a wheelchair-bound aerobics class while 'Me So Horny' blasts on stereo*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*

Boss: *sitting atop a gator in nothing but boxers, hands around muzzle* "Say UNCLE, you DIRTY! WHORE!!"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*

Boss: *dressed in clown suit, full clown make-up, chainsaw-sculpting a huge tree trunk*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
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#35
"Sweet On You"

Yep... Chick... Boss... shenanigans.


Chick walks in to see a huge banner across the top of the windows: DIABETIC OLYMPICS

A huge banquet table is filled with pies and there are several elderly people taking a seat.
Some on crutches. Some missing limbs. A few appear to be blind. Oh Boss...  : (

HNOC: "What the Hell is this??"
Boss: "Glorified pie-eating contest!! You want in?"
HNOC: "Oh no, no, NOOOOO, I'm not letting you do this, are you crazy??"
Boss: "What? They're just pies, calm down!"
HNOC: "But they're diabetic, it could kill them!! I'm stopping this!"
Boss: "Come on, look at 'em, they're OLD, what they got to live for..."
HNOC: "Oh MY GOD, so you're just going to murder them via sugar overdose??"
Boss: "Eeeeh, they'll be fiiiine, you always with the drama!"
HNOC: *begins punching Boss in the chest and slapping his face*
Boss: "HEY! Take it easy, Jeeezus, what the fuck man??"
HNOC: "You need to be locked up!!! You, are a DANGER to society!!!"
Boss: "You hittin' the sauce already? It's only 11am... Chick, babe..."
HNOC: *pulls him aside* "Look, I've gone along with a LOT of your crazy shit in the past 
but I will NOT stand by and watch you send these poor old people to their graves! You fuck!"

Boss walks over, picks up a fork and pie, brings it over to Chick.

Boss: "Here..."
HNOC: "What???"
Boss: "Try it..."
HNOC: *she takes a bite... realizes it's a meat pie*
Boss: "See? Worry for nothing!"
HNOC: "What about the crusts? That's still a lot of carbs!"
Boss: "Chicken flour..."
HNOC: "Chicken what??"
Boss: "Flour. They dehydrate chicken and powder it, to make flour."
HNOC: "Eeeww, they can do that??"
Boss: "Fuckin technology, huh?"
HNOC: "Still, gorging on pies like this can't be good. I mean, they're OLD!"
Boss: "I had them all sign permission slips, just like good boys & girls..."
HNOC: "Them, or their next of kin??"
Boss: "Does it matter??" Jeeez.."
HNOC: "I'm putting a stop to this!"
Boss: "Hey, wait... yes, it was family members. Promise."
HNOC: "How can you even be trusted??"

A string of spectators enter Boss's office, they all take seats.

Boss: "See? Family."
HNOC: *does the squint*
Boss: "Go ahead, ask 'em!"

Chick goes around and checks with EVERY person there, making sure that each contestant 
is there willingly and WITH family supervision.

HNOC: *returns to Boss* "OK, maybe you're not as big a bastard as I thought..."
Boss: "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a contest to oversee!!"
Boss: *runs to the stage, starts the contest*
HNOC: *watches on*
Boss: "Alright, you dirty bitchiz, first to clear their pile of pies WINS!! In three, two, one, EEEAT YOU FUCKERS!!"

Chick bows her head in shame. AGAIN. 

Boss: "Third place gets a free pie! Second place; a free insulin pack! First place: TWO free insulin packs!!"

It had to be done... lol
Reply
#36
I'm starting to worry about myself here... lol
Reply
#37
"Bump In The Night"

Chick... she's a hottie. Boss... he's just weird.

HNOC: *enters the danger zone*
Boss: "Heey!! Just the person I wanted to see!"
HNOC: *starts walking out backwards*
Boss: "Aww Chick, you are one in a million!"
HNOC: "Just those words and your expression alone tell me everything I need to know!
Boss: "You wanna hear the news?"
HNOC: "You finally goin' to jail??" *high hopes*
Boss: "WE'RE GOIN' SQUATCHIN!!!"
HNOC: "Who the what??"
Boss: "Squatchin..."
HNOC: "I don't even know what that means."
Boss: "Sasquatch. Bigfoot."
HNOC: *breaks into hysterical laughter*
Boss: "Whaaaat??"
HNOC: "Ooooh my, so, you've finally taken the WHOLE bottle of pills!"
Boss: "This is almost a sport unto itself!"
HNOC: "Uh, yeah! For crazy people!"
Boss: "Whuuu, you don't believe??"
HNOC: "In Bigfoot?? NO! And neither should you. You've got enough problems!"
Boss: "There have been guhzillions of sightings since forever, you can't possibly not know this!!??"
HNOC: "What I know is that witnesses are usually named Jim-Bob and they smell like Southern Comfort!"
Boss: "That's so racist..."
HNOC: "Look, I don't care what You get up to, as long as it's not in here OR involving ME!"
Boss: "Is there a but coming?"
HOC: "AND you can choke on your little innuendos. NOT funny."
Boss: "So you're not goin Squatchin with ol' Bossy-poo??"
HNOC: "Please don't call yourself that. It makes me hurt in very deep places."
Boss: "The fresh air'll do ya gooood!"
HNOC: *cannot believe she's actually considering it*
Boss: "Could be the time of your liiiife?!?!"

Chick gives it some thought. Coming to the conclusion that it'd probably be better getting arrested 
outside of the office than there for everyone to see. 

HNOC: "What does this squatchin, as you call it, entail?"
Boss: *jumps from his chair and runs over to Chick* "I'm SO glad you asked!"
HNOC: *already regretting it*
Boss: "We got out into the woods and..."
HNOC: "Woods? How far? Like nobody can hear you scream far??"
Boss: "I don't know, we'll just have to see, anyway, back to what I was sayin..."
HNOC: "And does this happen during the daytime? I'm not sure I wanna be in the woods at night with You!"
Boss: "We go in, find a good spot, lay in wait until the dark hits and..."
HNOC: *walks for the door* "No, no, no, NO! This sounds like some kind of kinky rape fantasy and I'm not 
doing it! NO! Find yourself another victim for your weird little hobbies!?"
Boss: "We take cameras and tape recorders and when the beast arrives, Blammo! We get PROOF!!"
HNOC: *stands at door* "As easy as that huh?"
Boss: "YES, as easy as THAT!"
HNOC: "You DO know people have disappeared out there, doing this thing you want to do, right??"
Boss: "Eeeeh, amateurs!"
HNOC: "And you've been doing this professionally for...??"
Boss: "I'm tellin ya, in, out, done! We can make history AND cash in!! Total Win-Win!!"
HNOC: *really hates him now* "Let's just say, for the sake of INSANITY, that I go along with this.."
Boss: "Yeeeaah! That's my sugar-tits!"
HNOC: *closes eyes, shakes head* "Is this an all-night thing? Because I really don't care for sleeping outdoors."
Boss: "I dunno, maybe, depends."
HNOC: "On what?"
Boss: "When the hairy beast comes out of his cave!!"
HNOC: "I really hope you're still talking about a mythological apeman here..."
Boss: "This will be the single-most AWESOME experience of your boring-ass life!"
HNOC: "I blame you for all of this..."
Boss: "So, is that a yes??"

Chick sighs deeply, thinking long and hard about that bottle of cabernet and quart 
of Haagen Dazs she has at home. AKA: Her date night. Goddamn her Boss...

HNOC: "You touch my ass ONE time, I will stab you with a shrimp fork!"
Boss: "That's my GIRL!!"


TO BE CONTINUED...
Reply
#38
"Bump In The Night: Part II"

Chick and Boss meet in the office parking lot.

Boss: "You ready to rumblllllllle?!?!"
HNOC: *opens trunk, stands waiting*
Boss: "Lemme just get these..." *grabbing stuff from his trunk*
HNOC: "And why exactly are we not taking your car?"
Boss: "Insurance lapsed."
HNOC: "Of course it has."
Boss: *piling more crap into Chick's trunk*
HNOC: "Jeezus God, is all this necessary?"
Boss: "We gotta do this thing RIGHT!!"
HNOC: "Where did you even find a VHS camcorder?"
Boss: "Pawn shop."
HNOC: "And they're better for this kinda thing, than say, ooooh, THIS??" *holds up her bad-ass cell phone*
Boss: "We need to do it like the pros! And it's ALWAYS on sketchy ass video tape!"
HNOC: "Uh, I think that's because it's always FAKED!!"
Boss: "Oh ye of little faith..."
HNOC: "Look, stop! Stop filling my trunk with all this antique shit, we're using my phone!"
Boss: "You sure??"
HNOC: "Yes, I'm sure!"
Boss: "I dunno..."
HNOC: "I know, you dunno anything! But I've got this. The phone will do!"

Boss stops with the old tech crap. Chick slams trunk and our happy duo are on their way!

HNOC: "Jeez, kinda warm for November..."
Boss: "Perfect weather for ol' Squatchy!"
HNOC: "You really think we're gonna see this thing, don't you?"
Boss: "Chickie babe, I KNOW we are!"
HNOC: "Chickie what?"
Boss: "Oh, sorry... Chick."
HNOC: "Thaaat's better."

They arrive at the national park, but things seem to have taken a slight turn...

HNOC: "Hmm, looks closed?!"
Boss: "That can't be right! Says opened year round on the website."
HNOC: "Well, maybe something happened. Oh, there's a park ranger! We'll ask him!"

Chick drives over to where the ranger is parked. Boss takes over.

Boss: "Lemme handle this..." *gets out of car, walks over to truck*
HNOC: "Thiiiiis is startin' to feel like a jail day..."
Boss: "Hey, how are ya?"
Ranger: "Fine, sir. But the park's closed today. Had a wildfire."
Boss: *reaches into his pocket, pulls out a folded up bill*
Ranger: "What are you doin?"
Boss: *whispers* "Go on, take it..."
Ranger: "Excuse me??"
Boss: "Take it, go on, it's fine..."
Ranger: "Sir, are you trying to bribe me?"
Boss: "Go on, it's fine... *whispers* "It's a Twentyyy!"
Ranger: "Sir, this is a national park, not a night club. You're going to have to leave!"
Boss: "But we came so faaar!"
Ranger: "Oh yeah, where from?"
Boss: *sheepishly* "Scottsdale."
Ranger: "So, an hour and change is a long way for you??"
Boss: "I get car sick..."
Ranger: "Park won't be open until next week, try back then!"

Boss knows when he's been defeated and returns to car.

HNOC: "So, closed eh?"
Boss: "Cocksucker got lippy, can you believe that?"
HNOC: "Was that before or AFTER you insulted him with a $20 bribe?"
Boss: "Before I did WHAT??"
HNOC: "I saw the whole thing..."
Boss: "Well fuck him. Twenty was too much anyway!"
HNOC: "Clearly. So, what now?"
Boss: "Oh, you don't think I have a backup?"
HNOC: "No, I'm dry-heaving over here because I KNOW you do..."
Boss: "Whip those horses, sugar-nips! We're headin' for the Pig!"
HNOC: "Nice, a place named after You!"
Boss: "Just drive!"

Chick drives back to the city and to their local Piggly Wiggly. *may not be geographically accurate*
Which fortunately backs up onto a large wooded area. This should be fun...


TO BE CONTINUED...
Reply
#39
"Bump In The Night: The Finale"

Chick and Boss in the woods. At night. Hot damn.

HNOC: *walking carefully through the thick wooded area*
Boss: "Watch out for snakes."
HNOC: "Oh you son of a BITCH! Why didn't you tell me that BEFORE??"
Boss: "I just thought of it!"
HNOC: "Fuck this! I'm going to the car. You have one hour!"
Boss: "Awww come on! People don't usually die from the first bite!!"
HNOC: "Well I don't plan on getting bit AT ALL!!!"
Boss: "Look, I'll go out front, that way if there are any, they'll get me and you can run!"
HNOC: "Wow, that's almost admirable. Boss, you surprize me sometimes!"
Boss: "Yeah, yeah, probably just the Mad Dog talkin..."
HNOC: "Oooooh, right, you're drunk, not chivalrous..."

They continue walking, Boss has a freak out! lol

Boss: "Ooh my GOD, SNAKE!!!!!"
HNOC: *comes out of her skin, screams and runs several feet away*
Boss: "Wait! *looks closer* "False alarm, just a piece of rubber hose!"
HNOC: *walks back up to him* "Idiot!"
Boss: "Hey, it's dark!"
HNOC: "So where are we lying in wait, as you call it??"
Boss: *looks for a clearing... found it*
Boss: "Over here!"

They walk into a nice clearing where they can set up for the night.

HNOC: "I still can't believe you brought that thing! *points to VHS camcorder*
Boss: "Hey, this thing isn't dependent upon cell tower signals, missy!!"
HNOC: "That's actually a good point. Touche, senor Douchebag!"
Boss: "Can you just with the names??"
HNOC: "Sorry, you're right. And it was a smart move. Kudos."

They dig in hoping their dreams will come true! Well, Boss's dreams. This is a nightmare for poor Chick.

HNOC: *hears rustling in the brush behind them* "Oh shit! What's that??"
Boss: "What? I don't hear anything!"
HNOC: "Oh my God, do you have earbuds in???"
Boss: "The game is on! Been waitin' all week!"
HNOC: "Well get them out! I'm not playing Lord of the Flies out here by myself!!"
Boss: "Jeez, you're as bad as my mom!"
HNOC: "Oh, God..."
Boss: "What?"
HNOC: "I forgot you had one of those... that poor woman..."

The rustling gets louder, and closer!!

Boss: "OK, I heard that! Operation Squatch-watch GO, GO, GOOO!!!"

Chick runs forth with her phone recording, Boss might have that old camcorder going 
and they head right into the eye of the storm!!

Terrible grunting sounds can be heard. The two whisper to keep their cover.

Boss: "OK, on three, we jump him!"
HNOC: "We what???"
Boss: "Jump him! Jump on him!! There's two of us!"
HNOC: "DUMBASS, it's a BIGFOOT!! They're like nine feet tall?!?!"
Boss: "Well, you aim for his balls and I'll go for his rib cage! Deal??"
HNOC: "You're out of your mind!!"
Boss: "We got this!!"
HNOC: "No, fuck you!!"

More terrible grunting, it's close, closer than before, oh no, it's right up on them!!

Boss: "Geronimoooooo!!!!" *jumps out onto the mighty beast*
HNOC: *screams and follows suit*

Boss and Chick wrestle around with the mystery creature, until it speaks! : o

Bigfoot: "Aaarrggghh, you kicked me in my nuts!! You crazy bitch!!"
HNOC: "Oh my God, do Bigfoot's speak English???"
Boss: "I don't know, just keep kicking!!"
Bigfoot: "Stop!! *grabbing his privates* "NOOOO, don't!!"

The "Bigfoot" is down. Chick stops recording and turns on her flash-light to see what
they've caught. Charges, most likely...

HNOC: "Ooooh my Gaaawwd!!! It's a homeless man!!"
Homeless Man: *moaning in pain*
Boss: "Quick, we'll dump the body over behind those..."
HNOC: "Dump, what, HE'S NOT DEAD!!!!"
Boss: "Not yet!! But..."
HNOC: "NOO, just stop right THERE! We're not killing anybody! You fucking loon!!"
Boss: "Well what are we supossed to do now? He's seen us??"
HNOC: "Moron! This isn't an episode of the fucking Sopranos! You don't just kill innocent people!!"
Boss: "Well what're we gonna do, genius??"

Chick looks down at Boss's pocket, then back up to him, and back to the pocket...

Boss: "Are you looking at my junk? Daaamn girl, you IZ freaky! I likes it!!"
HNOC: "NOOOO you fucktard!! The money!! The bribe money!!"
Boss: "Ooooooh, okaaay. Yeah... cool..." *pulls $20 out*
Boss: "Hey uh, sorry man, this was a huge misunderstanding. We're really sorry. Can we just kinda
forget this ever happened??" *holds hand out with the bill unfolded*
Homeless Man: "Muthafucka, you thank I'ma let this bitch scramble my eggs fuh $20??"
Boss: "How do you feel about shopping carts??"
HNOC: *looks crazed*
Boss: "RUUUNNNN!!!"


Boss and Chick run away from the seen of an aggravated assault. All in a night's work.


THE END
Reply
#40
"The Good Boss"

Chick has just broken up with her boyfriend. She needs an ear. Poor Chick...

HNOC: *races into Boss's office, shuts door*
Boss: "Hey, what's up!"
HNOC: *bursts into tears*
Boss: "Ooooooh man..."
HNOC: *garbled words through sobs*
Boss: "You finally finished Breaking Bad?
HNOC: *sobs louder*
Boss: "It's cool, Jesse totally wins in El Camino!"
HNOC: *barely legible* "We broke uuuuuppp!!" *more hard sobbing*
Boss: "Ooooooooh, it's one of theeese..."
HNOC: "I don't knooooow, what I, uurrgghh... *more sobs*
Boss: "OK, I think I know how to help.."
HNOC: *looks up, wipes tears away*
Boss: "You still have this prick's number?"
HNOC: *shakes head Yes*
Boss: "OK, you call this limp-dick cocksucker up and say... uh, what's his name?"
HNOC: "Brad..."
Boss: "OK, you say, Brad.. wait, Brad? Really?"
HNOC: "Yeeaah, what's wrong with that?"
Boss: "Dude, that should've been your first clue!"
HNOC: *quizzed look*
Boss: "Brad's are famous for being total cunts. I mean, it's hard science. For realzies!"
HNOC: *starts crying again*
Boss: "Noooooo, wait, what you do is... You call him up, say "Brad, you limp-wristed panty-wearing
sack-licker, FUCK YOU, you were always garbage and the only reason I ever went out with you is
because I ran out of D-cell batteries!! Choke on your mother's..."
HNOC: "I'm not saying that!!"
Boss: "Chick, seriously, you need to put this ball-washer in his place!"
HNOC: "But he was nice at first, aarrggh!!" *more crying*
Boss: "They all are! Cuz they want that sweet little pink knot you're hiding."
HNOC: *raises head, wipes tears away again*
Boss: "And once they get it, varoooom, off to their next bedpost notch."
HNOC: "You think he used me?"
Boss: "Oh, without question!"
HNOC: "Am I just an easy mark?"
Boss: "No, Chick. You're a beautiful young lady with a good heart. And sometimes jerks see that
and take advantage. They want something to make themselves feel better about being the waste of skin
that they truly are. Parasites..."
HNOC: *feeling better* "Thank you, Boss. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!"
Boss: "No sweat kiddo, all part of the job! Hey, why don't you take the day, heck, tomorrow too!"
HNOC: "Really?"
Boss: "Sure! Two days paid leave! Take THAT, Brad!!"
HNOC: "Awww, that's so kind, thank you!!" *walks around desk to hug Boss*
Boss: "Quick question..."
HNOC: "Okay..."
Boss: "Did ol' saggy-nuts ever see you in this sweater?"
HNOC: "Uuuh, I don't think so? Why?"
Boss: *licking his lips* "It's just nice, is all... real nice... and tight... in ALL the right places!"
HNOC: "Ooooh God!! Why?? Why can't you just be decent for five seconds without slipping 
back into swine-mode??"
Boss: "Hey, just sayin... If homo-Brad were to have seen those sweet front bumps pushing
their way through this sweater, maybe..."
HNOC: "Urrggh! You just can't help yourself, can you!!!"
Boss: "Depends, you gonna run to HR again??"
HNOC: "Gaaawwd, WHY? Why do I ever bother!!" *storms towards door*
Boss: "Hey!"
HNOC: *turns to look*
Boss: "I still meant everything I said. You're Great! And nobody can take that from You!!"
HNOC: *thinks a moment* "Thanks. I guess in your own weird way, you do try to help."
Boss: "Now, get out of here you! I've got some deposits to make into the ol' spank-bank account!"
HNOC: *rolls eyes, walks out and shuts door*
Boss: *leans back in chair, puts feet up on desk*


: )
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