Scenes, skits and silly musings
#61
Post them on this thread.
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#62
So when last we heard, Chick was propositioned to go bowling... Did she? 
Probably not, but let's just pretend she did, cuz she's a dream in those bowling shoes!


"The Fortune Never Lies"

Chick finds Boss diddling around doing nothing, as usual...


Boss: *sitting at desk, building Jenga tower out of wieners* [hot dogs, stop thinkin' dirty!]
Chick: "Nice to see that six figures going towards the important stuff!"
Boss: "Heeey, what d'ya know, what d'ya say, my main man??"
Chick: "I'm a woman..."
Boss: "Rawr! Don't have to tell me twice!" *licks lips pervishly*
Chick: *stares, rolls eyes* "Here are those weeklies you wanted..."
Boss: "Sooo, you never answered me..." *gives her the ol' eyebrows*
Chick: "Uurrggh, NO! We're not doing it in the janitor's closet!"
Boss: "Pssssssss, not that ya bimbo! I mean the other thing!" *more eyebrows*
Chick: "Oh my God, why, whhyyyy?? NO, I am NOT marrying you!!"
Boss: *blank stare* "Dude... I'm talking about..." *does thing with his hands*
Chick: "Yeeeah, what? Cuz it looks like you're just fluffing invisible tits right now..." 
Boss: "Jeezus girl, our fuckin' bowling adventure!?!?!?"
Chick: "Ooooooooh, THAT!"
Boss: "Yeah, sooo, you wanna go get your hands on some balls??" *aaand the eyebrows, again*
Chick: "Is your dial stuck on ten-year old??"
Boss: "Simple question! You down to get MURRRDERRED!!"
Chick: "If it meant not ever having to come in to work here again..." *thinks*
Boss: "So it's a date!!"
Chick: "Not even close!"
Boss: "But you'll do it, right? You'll come bowling with me??"
Chick: *long deep sigh* "Is this my win for the day?"
Boss: "Bout as close as you're gonna get..."
Chick: "Fuck my life..."
Boss: "THAT'S the spirit!!"

They proceed to the local bowling establishment. It's only 10am. How wrong could it go?? *lol*
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#63
"The Fortune Never Lies: Part II"

Chick and Boss get their shoes and find a lane. It's pretty dead. In fact, they're the only ones there.


Boss: "This looks like a weener, what d'ya think?"
Chick: "It's literally the exact same as all the other lanes, moron..."
Boss: "Good, she's already angry, very nice. Channel that into your game sweet-tits!"
Chick: "Just when I thought a bowling alley couldn't get any more gross..."
Boss: "Aaaay, how ya like this one, she's a beaut, ain't she?" *holds up ball*
Chick: "Yeah, a real hottie, kinda surprized you haven't taken her into the restroom yet!"
Boss: "Uh, these holes? Liiiiittle snug if ya know what I mean..."
Chick: "You have no idea how bad I wish I didn't..."
Boss: "So, we flippin' a coin or is it age before beauty?"
Chick: "By all means, roll that gutter-ball first Prince Dickless!"
Boss: "You will EAT those words!"

Boss rolls his ball hard and dead center, it's going... going... goooiinnng... STEEEEEEUUURRRIKE!

Boss: "Ooooooh, in your face BITCH!!" *jumps up, chest-bumps the air*

The employees look over with a little wtf on their faces. Right on, Boss... lol

Chick: "Can you not? Please? I've never been kicked out of anywhere before lunchtime.
Boss: "Get ready for two more you Jezebel!!" *does funky little dance*
Chick: *puts on her bowling shoes*
Boss: "Daaaaaamn, girl! You got some sexy ass feet!"
Chick: *closes eyes and shakes head*
Boss: "For real, you should take pictures and put 'em on a website!"
Chick: "No thanks, I'm NORMAL!"
Boss: "And by website, I mean my email address! *eyebrows*
Chick: "It's nice to know you're at least consistently disgusting..."
Boss: "Bowl pink cheeks!"
Chick: *lunges at Boss as she walks to the lane*
Boss: "Those tall white things at the end, you gotta hit those. As many as you can!"
Chick: *holds left middle finger up behind her back, then rolls*
Boss: "Ooooh shit, it's actually going towards the pins!"
Chick: *walks away confident* "Eat it, cockmunch!"

Chick has done it, matching Boss for a Strike! *yay*

The game wears on, Boss bowls a Turkey [three strikes in a row] and Chick garbles her last roll
with a gutter-ball. Boss is on his second beer. Chick is on her third or fourth set of nerves.

Boss: "So, eleven-thirty... you hungry?"
Chick: "I could eat."
Boss: "You want something in that mouth, don't ya?"
Chick: "I will KILL you, right here, right now! In front of *looks around* ALL four employees!!"
Boss: "Dayum, baby girl hangry as FUCK!"
Chick: "Aaaand the nausea returns!"
Boss: "Let's finish up here and hit the chink joint next door."
Chick: "Jeezus high-diving Christ, are you serious??"
Boss: "Fuck yeah, man, I love me some Chinese food!"
Chick: "No, I mean, you can't say... oh God, neverfuckingmind..."
Boss: "You're a strange ol' cookie, Chick. You ever thought about going into therapy?"
Chick: *mind implodes*

They tie up those loose ends and head over to *ahem* the Chinese food restaurant. 
After being seated, they go over the menu.

Chick: "It's been a while since I've had Chinese."
Boss: *sits doing the funny pull-back thing with his eyes*
Chick: "STOP! Right now! I will fucking stab you in the FACE with a chopstick!!"
Boss: "Oh, who's the racist now??"
Chick: "Still You, butter-dick!"
Boss: *going through menu items* "Hey, they gotta specify which dishes are dog, right?"
Chick: "*facepalms* "Are you REALLY this retarded? Don't answer that, I already know!"
Boss: "Dude, it's like an FDA thing, they gotta TELL you what's in this shit!"
Chick: *shakes head* "Look, we're here to eat. This is a reputable place, there's no dog in anything, oK?"
Boss: "But how can you be sure? What if I just duck my head back there, pretend I got lost going to
the pisser? What could it hurt?"
Chick: *whisper-growls* "NO! You will do NO such thing!"
Boss: "Man, you younger generations got your tits on your sleeves!"

They both order and Boss somehow escapes offending anyone OR getting arrested. *yaaay*

After their meal, it is time to take the sacred journey of Fortune cookie. Cookies. There's two. Shut up.

Chick: "That was good, I'll have to remember this place is here."
Boss: "Not bad for almost-probably Rover."
Chick: *rolls eyes*
Boss: "Hey! Fortune cookie time!!"
Chick: "Nah, you go ahead, I don't like 'em."
Boss: "Really? Well ain't you a weirdo?"
Chick: *long deep breath* "That doesn't mean you can't have yours!"
Boss: "Naah, I take 'em home. Save 'em up til I have a dozen or so, THEN eat 'em!"
Chick: "And I'M the weirdo... ??" *shakes head*
Boss: "Oh shit, my watch!" *looking at wrist*
Chick: "Did you wear it today?"
Boss: "Yeah, fuck! I took it off to bowl."
Chick: "Seriously?"
Boss: "Yeah, centrifugal force and all that. Balance. Gets thrown off or something."
Chick: "You have GOT to stay off the internet..."
Boss: "Come on, grab your cookie and let's go!"

They get up from the table and walk to the door.

Boss: "Heh, I said grab your cookie! Hahaha..."
Chick: "Never fail to point out every last act of piggery, do ya?"
Boss: "Eeeh, you love me really..."
Chick: *makes eeewww face*

They hit the bowling alley so Boss can find his stupid watch. Chick stands by the shoe rental
desk and decides to go ahead and live a little... she opens her fortune cookie.

"You will find your true love in an alley."

Her eyes widen, she looks around to see if anyone is looking. 
Then Boss appears with his watch.

Boss: "Oh my darling, I'm so glad I found you!" *looking down at watch*
Chick: *looking away, thinks Boss is talking to her, FREAKS out, turns to see what's really going on but gasps loudly before catching herself*
Boss: "Hey, you finally caved huh?"
Chick: "Uh what? Wha, what do you mean??"
Boss: "Your cookie! You opened it!"
Chick: *panics* "Oooh, that! Yeah, I just... ya know, it broke in my purse so I..."
Boss: "Well what does it say??" *reaches for it*
Chick: "Oh nothing! It's nothing! Just silly nothing, you know how these things are."
Boss: "Come ooooon! *grabs it, reads it* "An alley huh?"
Chick: *mortified*
Boss: "If I didn't know better, I'd think China was trying to call you a slut!"
Chick: *very nervous burst of laughter* "Yeah!! Those goddamn Chinese!!" *shocked at herself*
Boss: "Hahahaha, THAT'S the spirit!!" *slaps Chick on back*

They walk out and go back to the office. Chick is not really sure what just happened. Poor Chick.
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#64
Alrighty then...


Boss: "I don't think I could live in a world where pussy-worship wasn't a thing."
Chick: *U-turn exit*

Boss: "You ever had your toes sucked? Like an angry dog trying to get peanut butter off the roof of its mouth?"
Chick: *U-turn exit*

Boss: "You believe in God? What about these God-damn tiddies??" *turns computer monitor around*
Chick: *U-turn exit*

Boss: "I need a good, HARD spanking!" *bent over desk, holds up dominatrix paddle*
Chick: *U-turn exit*

Boss: *dancing around with mannequin scream-singing Atlantic Starr's 'Always'...*
Chick: *U-turn exit*

Boss: *sitting at desk, appears to be looking down into his pants* "Hey, tell me if this looks infected."
Chick: *U-turn exit*

Boss: "Let's prank call 9-1-1!!"
Chick: *U-turn exit*

Boss: *fake-nailed to a 2 x 4 cross wearing a paper Burger King crown*
Chick: "Ya know, you were already going straight to Hell, this just insures your VIP pass."


; )
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#65
I think the crazy is up a couple notches today. Three hours sleep.

May just have to roofie myself. Eek

*Google's 'how to make homemade roofies'* D'oh! lol
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#66
EDIT to post #63. Saw a major missed op so I took it.
Serves me right for typing sleepy.
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#67
"Fellowship"


Chick, Boss, nutty stuff, etc... lol


Chick: *walks into Boss's office, wishes she were dead... again*
Boss: "Welp, I'm startin' a cult!"
Chick: "Nice to see you cut past all the religion-as-a-cover bullshit. Right to the heart!"
Boss: "Yeah, it was time. Gonna be great! Like a harem of two dozen college chicks! Yowza!"
Chick: "Oooh, awesome! See you at the arraignment!"
Boss: "How come you never have any faith in me?" *stands up to show he's wearing a priest outfit*
Chick: "Oh God please no, you can't do that, just wear a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts for God's sake!"
Boss: "But this is powerful! I can just FEEL those soft, nineteen-year old hands giving -"
Chick: "STOP! NO! STOP! I cannot hear anymore of any of that! Jeezus man, get some help!"
Boss: "Uh, Duh, what do you think I'm doing?"
Chick: "NO! You fuckstick, I mean therapy! INTENSE therapy!"
Boss: "What do you call ten or fifteen college cuties using my body as an oil mat?"
Chick: "Gaaawwwd, I HATE YOU soooo much!!" *walks to door*
Boss: "Wait!! Don't go!"
Chick: *stops short of the doorway*
Boss: "I need your help!"
Chick: "There is no way I'm even NEAR qualified to help you!"
Boss: "Sure you can! I just need you - "
Chick: "NO! I want no part of this!!"
Boss: "But I haven't even asked you yet.."
Chick: "I know, and that's what scares me. I can only imagine how warped your next words will be!"
Boss: "I just need you to help me... ya know, get the team goin! Gnomesane??" *does the eyebrows*
Chick: "Jeezus pole-dancing Christ, are you asking me to recruit college girls to be your sex slaves???"
Boss: "Duuude, when you say it, it sounds so wrong and dirty..."
Chick: "That's because it IS wrong and dirty!! My God, do you even read the headlines??"
Boss: "Nah, fuck all that downer shit. It's all liberal media lies anyway!"
Chick: *slaps hand to forehead* "You really are something!"
Boss: "There ya go! I knew you'd come around!"
Chick: "Noooo!! That's not at ALL what I mean!"
Boss: "Well how's about you stop having your stroke long enough to explain then?"
Chick: "This little cult you're wanting to start? Well it's been done, and it ended BADLY!! VERY BADLY!!"
Boss: "That's cuz they didn't have us!" *crosses arms like a pompous fool*
Chick: "No, wang-stain, they had a guy a thousand times smarter than You, I mean he was still a sicko
moron but he put you in the shaaade, like real bad... anyway, if they got busted how do you think YOU
will pull it off?"
Boss: "Moxy?"
Chick: *lays down on floor and rolls while moaning, in a bad way*
Boss: "Yeah, it starts like that but then I jump in with the organic coconut oil and - "
Chick: "NOOOOOOOOOO, you are killing me!! Listen, you can't do this, OK? You just can't! It's wrong
and it's just... wrong! Please, go back to building hot dog castles or whatever the fuck you were doing
yesterday, just forget about this ridiculous cult thing!!"
Boss: "I could get them to sign waivers."
Chick: "You mean non-disclosure agreements."
Boss: "Hey, tomato, avocado..."
Chick: "PUUHRISSSON TIIIIIME!!!"
Boss: "You're acting like I want to rob a bank, jeez Chick, get with the dope!"
Chick: "Dear God! You don't even have the capacity to realize what you're trying to do!!"
Boss: "Uh yeah, I'm trying to get my harem freak on and you're cooch-blockin ya boy. Not cool man."


Chick doesn't know whether to call the police or a hitman. But she knows this plan cannot go live.

Chick: "I'm going back to work now. Will you promise me that you will drop this dangerously
stupid idea? Please? Like, I'm genuinely asking! PLEASE!! Just go back to watching medieval little
person fur-costume porn or whatever you were doing before dreaming up this nightmare. Just please
forget about it! Please!!

Boss has a seat and gives it all a little thought.

Boss: "So, you're saying this college girl romper is a bad idea?
Chick: "I'm saying sticking your dick in a threading machine is brilliant by comparison."
Boss: "Well fuck me in the ear... damn. Hey, that's one of the things I was gonna have - hey where ya goin?"


Chick always knows when it's time to make her exit! Poor long-suffering Chick.  : )
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#68
New crazy idea: Random excerpts from non-existent stories.


His heart raced as a cold sweat broke. She knew and it would only be a matter of time before 
that knowing was thrust upon him. His hands shook while the uncertainty ran riots among the
few thoughts he could still manage. Her determination was keen, surgical. No stone unturned
and nothing left to chance. The fear owning him burned from the soles of his feet upward while
the panic it induced boiled from the inside out. She would see to it that he got what was coming 
to him.

In her world, he was already dead.


No, this is not Detective Delicato. 
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#69
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph... he really went nuts this time..."

The two men witness the end result of their boss's rage in what used to be a warehouse depot station.

"We're gonna need more bleach" he said before walking back to the car.

"There's four bottles! It's enough!" his associate assured.

Blood pooled in the deeper recesses of the old battered concrete flooring. This wasn't their first
time hitting clean-up but it was the worst scene for them yet. Limbs of the fallen lay in small
piles like a nightmarish collection of discarded doll parts. The smell of blood was so strong in the
air one could barely keep from wretching. Tasting it. Feeling the murderous death that only
just hours prior took place. A slaughterhouse where the meat was left to rot.

"You ready?" he questioned while sliding on a pair of latex gloves.

"This is fucked up" replied the younger man holding the two half-gallon bottles.
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#70
My only "rule" is that I write all of this on the thread. No write it offline and copy & paste.
It can present challenges but like they say, the sand makes the pearl.

Feel free to contribute. : )
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#71
"So these are..."

"Yes, aliens." replied the older man.

They gazed upward as the multiple orbs of light criss-crossed the sky, weaving astonishment in loose
definition against the midnight blue. With every perfectly sculpted turn they drew closer to the ground.

"Are they..."

"Friendly? I can't possibly see why they'd be otherwise." the older man suggested.

"So they're not gonna kill us?"

"Just look at them..." whispered the elder gentleman in amazement.


These beings were not the little grey men of legend. Their existence was purely beyond what
most human minds could fathom. Inter-dimensional fractals. Layered deeply throughout the
whole of what mankind would call time & space. Cropping up just on the periphery. True sightings
amounting to only a few per decade. No film or photo could reproduce any aspect of their likeness.

Reality wasn't the cookie-cutter nonsense our leaders would have us believe. The desperate and
unknowable truth was that nothing is singular. All things radiate infinitely into every direction.


Bound only by energy itself. As burned into that night sky for the young boy and his uncle.
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#72
"Ssshhhh, quiet! Gaaah!!"

"Stop freakin' out, nobody even heard that" whispered the teenager wearing the backwards baseball cap.

"You're gonna get us busted!"

"Dude, you're already busted... for being a dumbass!" 


The two sixteen-year old friends are embarking on an age-old rite of passage.

"Is the old man in there?" asked the more concerned friend of the two.

"Yeah, the mom too..."

"What are they doin?"

"Watching TV I guess, the fuck does it matter?"

"I don't want them getting up and moving around!"

"Well maybe go in there and double-tap 'em, Rambo."

"Dude, you are the worst! Just shut up, there's her window..."

The two boys sneak up to the window of a female classmate whom the more concerned boy
has developed feelings for. They carefully peer inside, hoping to remain undetected.

"Here she comes get down!!"

They duck into the bushes. The girl wanders her room oblivious. They sneak another look.

"Goddamn dude, she's sooo fuckin' hot!" said the cap wearing friend.

"Man, fuck off! She's mine!"

"Dude, you haven't even asked her out yet..."

"So what, doesn't mean I'm not going to..."

"This is THE worst panty raid EVER!" said cap boy.

"Well go back home and jerk it to scrambled porn all night then, I'm staying for the Holy Grail!!"


The girl finally leaves for the shower. It's all systems GO!!

"OK, she's gone! Let's do this!" said concerned lover boy.

"You in first." cap boy replied.

The two doofuses carefully slide the girl's window up and climb into her room. 

"I think it's this drawer..." said lover boy.

He opens the top drawer of her chest. Jackpot!! It was her undergarments!!

"You takin' all of 'em?" asked cap boy.

"No retard, then she'd have no panties to wear!"

The boys share a devilishly naughty look, then back to it!!

"What about her dirty ones?" cap boy suggested.

"Oh, sure, I'll just go knock on the fucking bathroom door and ask her for those!" said the sarcastic lover boy.

Breaking the silence, the two intruders hear a click. It is the sound of a hunting rifle being cocked.
Standing in the doorway of his daughter's bedroom, the man slowly raises his gun towards them.


"Evening, gentlemen..." said the father with an evil smirk as he glared at the teenagers who stood 
frozen with fist's full of his daughter's underwear.
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#73
A man sits duct-taped to a folding metal chair in the backroom of a liquor store.
He's beaten up badly. Blood has painted his shirt as the man dealing the pain
sits across from him taking a smoke break.

"You sure you don't want one?" the man asked while holding up a pack of cigarettes.

"Nah, I quit" said the beaten man.

"That's good. It adds years to ya life they say"

Another man stands feet away, watching it all play out.

"How long you gonna beat me for?"

"Til we get what we need..."

"Well I already told ya, I don't know nothin'..."

The seated smoking man stands, flicks his cigarette butt and rekindles the relationship between his 
right fist and the bleeding man's face. The sounds of thinly-fleshed bone fill the room with a dank 
thud. Every blow, turning the man's head, sending tendrils of blood onto his already stained clothing. 

"A name. That's all. And you can walk out of here. No hard feelings." promised the man with raw knuckles.

"I can't give ya what I ain't got. So go fuck ya mother, ya fuckin' pig."

The man stood there, looking down on this worthless small-time thug. An "associate" of some very
powerful people. But on his own, he was nobody. A big nothing. One thing for sure, he could take a beating!

"Let me try" said the other man.

"Be my guest" 


If this prick didn't break soon, Newark Bay would have one more resident lining it's littered floor.
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#74
Oliver was bummed out. He loved seeing her but he missed his friends.
Every summer he would go and spend a month at his grandmother's house.
It was cool, nothing too bad, but he didn't know any of the kids around there
and he didn't have the easiest time making friends.

Something of a loner, he was most pleased spending time with Tommy and Ricky, his two
best friends going back to second grade. They did everything together. Took swimming lessons,
learned to fish, heck Ricky's dad even taught them all three how to ride a bike. That was the summer
of skint knees! 

But this summer was different. He had a deeper sadness than missing his buddies. Oliver's grandmother
had just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and even though he was only twelve, he knew enough 
from overhearing his parents talking that she wouldn't be herself for much longer. He loved his grandma.

She was a tall, strong and beautiful sixty-four year old woman with flowing blonde hair and a twinkle
in her ocean-blue eyes. You'd never know she'd just been given such horrible news by being in her
presence. Her smile as warm as the sun and her laugh contagious. She's what the younger folks
would call a "cool, hip granny". Flawless skin kept her age a secret from most. She lived a very busy,
productive life and this recent change in her health would make no difference to her one bit.


Oliver didn't want his grandma to go through this terrible ordeal. But no amount of homemade 
peanut-butter chocolate chip cookies would keep this from unfolding. So he had to make the best
of the time they had left. He was a good kid. His grandmother always made a point of reminding him.
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#75
"Oh my God, you slut! I swear I'm gonna kill you if I rip this dress!"

Cheryl was the more boisterous in this friendship. Tanya loved her outgoing spirit.
The two were just getting off a mini-ferris wheel at the local fair when she spotted
him. Heartbreak all over again.

"Fuck him, don't even look his direction!" Tanya said boldly.

Cheryl did though. And she saw his sheepish expression. He knew what he did was wrong and
now it was coming back to haunt him. Brandon lost the best thing that ever happened to him
and now he had to live with it. Cheryl looked at her friend as tears began to appear.

"Sweetie, you were always too good for him! And he knew it!" Tanya said hugging her bestie.

Cheryl fought those tears and managed to pull out of what would've usually been an all-night
tail-spin resulting in two empty bottles of wine and lots of ice cream calories. But she could
always write it off in her mind as Girl's Night In with her wonderful friend Tanya.

"I'm gettin' the foot-long! You want one?" Tanya asked as they stood at the corndog stand.

Cheryl blinked away the saline sadness and shook her head yes. She even cracked a tiny smile.

"Don't you DARE get it with ketchup or you're an absolute whore!" Cheryl said as they both burst into laughter.
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#76
Not gonna lie... that last one felt pretty gay. Like fedora with a Hawaiian shirt gay. *shivers*
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#77
Jesus Christ, lol...

OK, new character idea. The Italian mob version of Dr. Ruth. 

Dr. Rocco.

"Aaay, It's Dr. Rocco heeuh wit ya sex help questionnaires an' shit.
You write 'em in and I tell ya how da fuck to do it, capiche?

Now, let's see what you cocksuckas got fuh me tuhday...

Dear Dr. Rocco,

Quote:My girlfriend is not happy wit our sex life. She says I'm not loving enough and that I don't
take my time to get her warmed up. What can I do? Signed, Horny & Hopeless.

Alright, let's see. Horny, if your lady friend ain't gettin' "what she needs" you've come to da right place.
Women need to be made to feel special. It don't matta if it's ya mudda, ya sista or dat one fat aunt
that always brings the baked ziti to family functions. They ALL want to feel like Primo bitchiz.

So here's whatcha do... You put on a little light music, something girls like, Sinatra or whatever.
Then, you break out the wine. Not that shit you get at the gas station ya cheap fuck, something
with class, like a $20 bottle. You pour her a glass first, don't be a selfish prick Sal... *looks at the camera*
I know ya watchin' this too!! Aaay, my cousin Sal everybody!

OK, back to you, Horny, after the wine you tell her how nice she looks. Ya know, like you mean it.
Not like you're just after her steamed clam. 'Oh, your hair is pretty. Reminds me of my grandmother's
when they had her laid out up at the funeral home.' 

By dis time, her motor's revvin' up!
You pour her another glass of vino and ya ready to slide ya hand up her thigh into home plate!!

Oooooooooooooh, there ya go fucko! Get that mitt!!

Would ya lookie dare, we're all outta time fuh tuhday.

Join me next time when we talk to Vincent DePruzio about his uh, little friend firing off before the holiday
if ya knows what I mean! Oooooooooh!!!"


Don't encourage him, he'll just keep doing it...
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#78
*theme music playing - Dean Martin's That's Amore*

Oooooh, there he is, back for more Sex Help wit Dr. Rocco.

Oh, I'm supposed to tell ya's I ain't no real doctah, those cocksuckas at public access cable 
really gotta hard-on for makin' that known, pricks. 

Anyway! We're back and tuhday we got Vinny DePruzio and his uh, prenatal insurrection. 

*whispers from off-camera* What? Oooh, sorry, premature saturation. *more whispers*

OH, premature ejaculation!  Alright let's get into dis!

Dear Dr. Rocco,

Quote:I've been wit my girlfriend for six months and everything is wonderful. 

Awwww, look at dis, young love. You stick it to her kid!! *does the Italian hand gesture for fucking*

Quote:But lately, my... how do ya say, train is rushing the passengers off before leaving the station.
What can i do?? Signed, Gone Too Soon

Whew, that's a tough one kid, we've all been dare. Well I mean, not me! But everybody else!
So, I think it's prahbly just a case uh nerves. You try havin' a drink before nestling the dinosaur
into its cave? That's usually helps. 

Maybe you could try jerkin' off before goin ova to her place? Relieve the tension on the suspension!
Just to kinda smooth ya out before lift off. You can look at ya tiddy books, watch ya porn, maybe look in
on the neighbor lady while she's getting dressed, somethin'. It don't matta, as long as you scratch that
fuckin' pre-itch so ya lady friend ain't gettin' short-changed on her bus ride to Screamsville, hooooo!

So you do dat, and get back wit me, alright? Thank you all again for tuning in to Dr. Rocco's
Sex Help Show! *whispers from off-camera* Hey go fuck yaself, I done said that shit at the start!

We'll see ya's next time!! Ooooooooooh!! *theme music plays show off the air*
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#79
Dear Italian people of the world,

I do genuinely love you. This is all in good-spirited fun and I hope it can be viewed as such.
Thank you for contributing so much of your wonderful food and culture to the rest of the planet.

Viva L'Italia!!
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#80
*theme music - Air Supply's All Out Of Love*

*yelling into phone* You tell dat prick I want my money or I'm comin' for his fuckin' thumbs!
OH, We're on?? *clears throat*

Aaaay, what d'ya know, what d'ya say! We're back wit Dr. Rocco's Sex Help!
Or Sex Help with Dr. Rocco, whatever da fuck. And today we're taking a question from...

*looks closely at note card* Ay, who da fuck writes this shit? I can't read this. Fuckin' chicken-scribbles.
Maybe take a handwriting course ya crippled fuck! 

*off-camera whispers* You say I wrote dis? Madon, musta been the fuckin' wine. Anyway we got
Tommy Sciucci and his uh, issue wit... going into town? Oooh, going downtown, hoooooo, wait a minute
here. I can't help ya wit dis... I don't do dat. I'm a man. I don't go poking my nose where da blood
flows, if ya catch my drift. *more off-camera whispers*

He's here? Oh, ok... But you're in luck Tommy, we've got a special guest today that can help you!
Let's give a warm welcome to my dear friend, Carlo from the news-stand!! *only him clapping*

Rocco: Aay, good to see ya Carlo!
Carlo: Tanks for havin' me. 
Rocco: You layin' off the horses?
Carlo: Yeah, since you broke my knee.
Rocco: Ooooooh, we're on the air!
Carlo: OK, but you asked...
Rocco: And now I'm askin' you to shut your mouth, we can't talk about that right now.
Carlo: Your show...
Rocco: Ya fuckin' right it is, so let's get to dis thing...
Carlo: *shrugs*
Rocco: We got this problem today wit our little friend from Hoboken, Tommy Sciucci. 
Carlo: I'll see what I can do.
Rocco: Tommy says:

Dear Dr. Rocco,

Quote:My girlfriend really loves oral sex but she says I'm not ringin' her bell. What do I do?
Signed, Not So Lickety Split 

Rocco: *looks left, then right, then uncomfortably at the camera* You're on!
Carlo: OK, Tommy, when you find yourself eye to eye with the pink beast, you're really just goin' to war.
Rocco: This sounds fucked up already!
Carlo: Why you gotta interrupt me? I'm tryin' to help this poor prick.
Rocco: Aaay, take it easy! I'm just sayin'... Ga head...
Carlo: And when you go to war, bad things can happen. You have to be prepared fuh dat.
Rocco: *giggles*
Carlo: What, you think it's funny? Chowin' on poon? It's seerious! 
Rocco: Hey, this is your thing. Do tell...
Carlo: See Tommy, it's like a pie eatin' contest. If you're afraid of gettin it all ova ya face, then you ain't
got the heart of a winnuh. May as well just run out and get her a new packa C-cells.
Rocco: Madon...
Carlo: What? It's true! If you're not willing to scream anger into slippery hollow then stay out the forest!
Rocco: *cracks up laughing* Ok, Ok, how long you been dining on the magic dolphin Carlo?
Carlo: I've been devouring that sweet slice of goodness since I was fourteen.
Rocco: Jesus Fucking Christ, you are well-pickled my friend!
Carlo: Aaay, I do what I love and I love what I do. Sue me.
Rocco: You eva, get a gusha? Ya know, wunna dem firehose gals?
Carlo: It is my extreme pleasure to have experienced many honey showers ova da years.
Rocco: Like a change the sheets, blow-dry the mattress kinda thing?
Carlo: You are correct.
Rocco: Shit, ya like an OB/GYN ova heeuh! Kudos to you Paisan!
Carlo: It is something I take great pride in. Thank you, Rocky.

Well there ya have it Tommy, you gotta go in dare like special forces and treat that magic pink puff like
it's Osama Bin whateva the fuck his name was. A huge Thank You to our friend, Carlo from the news-stand!!

Carlo: Glad I could help. Always an honor, Rocky. 

Tune in next time when we tackle more of your sex help questions on Dr. Rocco's Sex Help Show!!

*theme music swells*


#thatboyaintright
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